Everyone has that one holiday or day out of the year that's hard to deal with. It becomes the large white elephant in the room whenever you look at a calendar; for me it's Mother's day.
Mother's day with my Mom was nothing fancy just my Mom, me and my son. It was something I only shared with her. Hearing her say "I'm up you can toss the rose petals now" always made me laugh and when I read my Mother's day card from her it was enough encouraging words to keep a single Mom going for a whole year.
If you know me well, then you know my Mom and me had an oil and vinegar relationship at times we wouldn't be on the same planet in our thoughts. I also will say there were times that I did things that didn't make her proud of me. There was a time that drugs and having fun with the wrong people was more important then mending our broken relationship. But like a good Mom she was able to wait for me to come around and to accept my apology.
When my Mom was first diagnosed with her cancer her Doctor had come to me in the office and said " Your Mom needs you in there right now" it was later that her Doctor said that it wasn't until I told her we're going to do everything we can and we'll do it together that she was able to accept what she was facing. I kept us going because she always kept me going.
When I was working full time, pregnant and in nursing school just coming home to dinner in the microwave made a difference. There were times when I was in the bathroom drying my hair and she would come in and say "what bone is this " 9 times out of 10 we weren't even studying what she was asking but it was her way of supporting me. She wasn't the type of Mom to tell you she was proud of you, she would show you. I can remember her saying to patients as they paid their bill " oh you saw Dr. so in so what did you think of her nurse?" When they said they liked the nurse she would smile and say that's my daughter. She was my biggest cheerleader, I always felt I could do anything and deserved it all with her cheering me on.
Not having my Mom here is hard, I'd do anything for just a hug from her or to hear her say my name and Mother's day reminds me alot of what I loved about her so much. But I move on because there's a little boy that calls me Mom and at times he drives me crazy and takes me to a point where I doubt everything I'm doing but at the end of the day I'm proud to be his Mom. Yes I hear my Moms voice when I yell at him but at that brief moment I know she's watching over me laughing her ass off at me saying " it's payback" and quite frankly its OK with me.
So Happy Mother's day to all the Moms out there especially mine. Today Mom I carry you a little closer in my heart and when I wake up I will be sure to ask where my rose petals are.
