Tonight my father, step mom, kiddo and I went to my sister's in-laws house for dinner (that was alot, hope not too confusing). I have to admit that it was like being part of their family. My sister is very lucky to have them as her family .
Food was good a traditional Polish Christmas eve which loosely translates to tons of pieroghis. Mmm good stuff. After dinner we had a gift exchange and I figured that we would exchange between my sister and our family. I was completely blown away when members of my brother-in-laws family gave my son gifts, such generosity and Christmas spirit. It was truly overwhelming.
When we got home there was some relaxing and a load of laundry , because dirty clothes never stop. Then my kiddo put his milk and cookies out for Santa and I tucked him in to bed for the night.
Now I am sitting here with the anticipation and excitement of what tomorrow will hold. This will be the first year that my son will get a letter from Santa thanking him for his good behavior and also for me a Christmas with my Dad. I haven't had one of those in 11 years, ever since I lived in Virginia, so I am really excited.
So what did we learn today, well my Mom was right when she said "Christmas is about being with family and it doesn't matter if you come from the same pool of blood just as long as you're together". Mom was right and definitely with us tonight.
So Merry Christmas Eve everyone and to all a good night filled with peace, love and joy... also Merry Christmas Mom I love you forever and always and I'll give D a big hug and kiss from you!
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Gift Wrapping
What a wonderful idea- you buy something and wrap it up in beautiful paper-make it all pretty for someone to tear into like a fat kid with the king sized candy bar.
As you can probably tell I just finished putting the last bow on the last gift. If I can toot my own horn the gifts look very nice and I survived with no papercuts or wrapping paper related injuries. Last year there was a papercut and I dropped a small recliner on my foot.
I didn't ask for much this year, a new laptop; that my Dad had gotten me the end of October. He's about as good as I am with this gift giving thing. I'd rather spoil people year round.
I usually make some type of homemade gift also for family. Now I imagine there is someone reading this thinking I wonder what it is. Well out of fear that my sister will read this I can't say since she will be one of the receivers of said gift. The other was my step-mom; my son and I made star cinnamon ornaments and had them on the tree when she came home. She really liked it.
Which brings me to tonight's subject gift wrapping. I feel like my step mom was in some way gift wrapped the first time I met her. It was about 14 years ago when we met. The first thing she said was
" I don't want to be your Mom just give me a chance to be your friend". Now don't get me wrong there are times that I think she's crazy but there's also times that I am truly impressed by the level of caring she holds.
My father came to my Mom's funeral out of respect for the fact they were married for 23 years and she was the mother of his two daughters. But my step mom also came and paid her respect, she said "that without my Mom she wouldn't have my sister or me and wants to be there to support us". I didn't put any thought into it at the time but now looking back at it I realized two things (1) that even through a rotten divorce and some bitter words she had respect for my Mom and (2) she cares about my sister and I which who doesn't want someone to care about them. I'm not an ogre I do like the idea about people caring about me.
The best way to describe her is eccentric, very different. But when you look past all that you see someone who had a hard life and is now enjoying life, someone who cares very deeply for my Dad and in all honesty who am I to argue with that. So in a way she is gift to this family, she never competed with my Mom, she makes my Dad happy and she cares about us. She said that she looks at my older sister and I and is just amazed by us and sees why our parents are so proud; because she also is .Recently she told me that having my son and I home is like Christmas everyday for her and my Dad and that makes me smile.
As you can probably tell I just finished putting the last bow on the last gift. If I can toot my own horn the gifts look very nice and I survived with no papercuts or wrapping paper related injuries. Last year there was a papercut and I dropped a small recliner on my foot.
I didn't ask for much this year, a new laptop; that my Dad had gotten me the end of October. He's about as good as I am with this gift giving thing. I'd rather spoil people year round.
I usually make some type of homemade gift also for family. Now I imagine there is someone reading this thinking I wonder what it is. Well out of fear that my sister will read this I can't say since she will be one of the receivers of said gift. The other was my step-mom; my son and I made star cinnamon ornaments and had them on the tree when she came home. She really liked it.
Which brings me to tonight's subject gift wrapping. I feel like my step mom was in some way gift wrapped the first time I met her. It was about 14 years ago when we met. The first thing she said was
" I don't want to be your Mom just give me a chance to be your friend". Now don't get me wrong there are times that I think she's crazy but there's also times that I am truly impressed by the level of caring she holds.
My father came to my Mom's funeral out of respect for the fact they were married for 23 years and she was the mother of his two daughters. But my step mom also came and paid her respect, she said "that without my Mom she wouldn't have my sister or me and wants to be there to support us". I didn't put any thought into it at the time but now looking back at it I realized two things (1) that even through a rotten divorce and some bitter words she had respect for my Mom and (2) she cares about my sister and I which who doesn't want someone to care about them. I'm not an ogre I do like the idea about people caring about me.
The best way to describe her is eccentric, very different. But when you look past all that you see someone who had a hard life and is now enjoying life, someone who cares very deeply for my Dad and in all honesty who am I to argue with that. So in a way she is gift to this family, she never competed with my Mom, she makes my Dad happy and she cares about us. She said that she looks at my older sister and I and is just amazed by us and sees why our parents are so proud; because she also is .Recently she told me that having my son and I home is like Christmas everyday for her and my Dad and that makes me smile.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Holidays
I apologise for the two day hiatus, maybe you thought the shiny newness of this blog had worn off. No it hasn't. Saturday I went out to see The Ryan Montbleau Band. I suggest if you are unfamiliar with them you google or YouTube it and give a listen. My two friends did that with me and I'm hooked. It was a great show, interesting atmosphere and just a yummy night. Sunday was my laid back, movie watching kinda day. The weekend was good and it ended with me laughing at about 1am. Sleep-walking 4 year old is always good stuff. I need to share this and I'm sure in 12 years my son will be all "mom why'd you say that" joys of motherhood. So my little guy is known to sleep walk. Problem is he's asleep but his eyes are open which is a little freaky. Well he stumbles in my room and stands next to my bed a la Blairwitch project. I jump and say "what's the matter". He just groans, trust me first few times this happened I was 99% freaked out, I tell him "go potty buddy". He stumbles out of my room and as I'm debating if I want to follow behind him, which usually ticks him off because he's a big boy, I hear it. Water trickling! So I jump out of bed walk in his room and yep he peed in his crayon bucket. (Good aim) I of course say "what are you doing" which he replies with "going potty" the proceeds to pull his pants up and get back into bed. Still makes me laugh at how matter of fact he was. So if Santa is reading this we can use some crayons.
Anyway onto Holidays...
I was told after my Mom passed away that the first year is the hardest. What people should say is "you'll realize how significant said person was; and it will be a hell that you will need to walk through until said holiday passes". A little over the top maybe; but it's how it feels.
The first event we were faced with was my Mom's birthday, there's irony in that somewhere. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been. I spent the day with my son celebrating life and also the innocence he holds for life. In his world everything is great, you die you become an angel, he tells me when he sleeps his Grammy visits him so she just isn't here; a wise soul in a little body.
Next would be Thanksgiving. Which starts the holidays in my eyes. I can remember past Thanksgivings Mom and I would cook together, laughing and preparing all the normal dishes. Then the three of us would sit, eat and enjoy. It was always alot of work and it wasn't until this year that I realized all the little things that went into it. This year was the first time in my 33 years that I went to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. The reason- my Step-Mom and Father are vegetarian; if it's furry it doesn't get eaten here. Now don't get all nervous if I was hungry for a steak or chicken I can buy it and cook it. But let's get serious turkey is a rather large bird. I know my son can eat but really we would never be able to knock a bird off, even just a boob would be too much. My Dad did his best we went out to dinner my son and I had turkey and it was nice. I don't want to sound ungrateful, believe me I'm not. The only way I can describe how it felt was like I was visiting him not really a part yet. My father and I are close,love him to death, but moving back home as an adult you need to figure how things work. Plus my Dad is laid back he does his own thing so it's really like buying a great pair of shoes and figuring out how they go with all your clothes.
Now Christmas is only 5 days away. Decorating sucked. We talked that we would all put the tree up, it ended up being just me. My Dad had gone out to do errands and my Step-Mom was out for a walk with her dog "don't wait for me". OK. I know so what about your son, well, a 4 year old is like a tiny bees. They buzz in hang around then buzz away again.
Now tonight's bombshell, Christmas eve dinner will be with our extended family, we'll take two cars. My Dad and step Mom would like to have the option to leave early. It's like a band aid constantly being ripped off. I want to feel that sense of family with my family. This is when you realize that family is different for everyone. In my eyes it's the people you love, I want to be surrounded by the ones I love. I don't want game plans for exits , or well this is what we usually do. How about things have changed; new traditions need to be born and made.
This year I don't know how it will be. It's like a pretty package under the tree. But I do know I will wake up Christmas morning , I'll get dressed. Which is usually the time that I think about my Mom and if I need a cry it's my half hour I give to myself to grieve. I was given that advice from a friend. She said " everyday I gave myself a half hour to cry when I was done, I moved on to what I needed to do". Great thing is it works. I will go downstairs surround myself with my family and celebrate that free spirited joy my son finds in Christmas.
Beetlejuice, that gives helpful pointers on how you deal with this. OK, as I typed that I realize that said book is out there. I'm currently in the middle of New Moon. I know, with the exception of my close friends reading this , everyone else is like "what's that". I'm a Twilight geek. I said it and I love it. Helpful hint if anyone wants to get me Robert Pattinson for Christmas that'd be great. I love him even more after seeing Water for Elephants, book was good movie was fantastic. OK anyway before my geek flag wipes out all powerlines in a 100 mile radius from flying too high I'll get back to holidays.
I guess the nitty gritty of it is enjoy the holidays the best you can, keep memories alive and hope and pray to God that family realizes that these are the "firsts" for you. Not the easiest to get through but having them around makes it hurt a little less and that much more bearable. And that's why I am grateful and looking forward to Christmas atleast Mom will be watching over.
Anyway onto Holidays...
I was told after my Mom passed away that the first year is the hardest. What people should say is "you'll realize how significant said person was; and it will be a hell that you will need to walk through until said holiday passes". A little over the top maybe; but it's how it feels.
The first event we were faced with was my Mom's birthday, there's irony in that somewhere. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been. I spent the day with my son celebrating life and also the innocence he holds for life. In his world everything is great, you die you become an angel, he tells me when he sleeps his Grammy visits him so she just isn't here; a wise soul in a little body.
Next would be Thanksgiving. Which starts the holidays in my eyes. I can remember past Thanksgivings Mom and I would cook together, laughing and preparing all the normal dishes. Then the three of us would sit, eat and enjoy. It was always alot of work and it wasn't until this year that I realized all the little things that went into it. This year was the first time in my 33 years that I went to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. The reason- my Step-Mom and Father are vegetarian; if it's furry it doesn't get eaten here. Now don't get all nervous if I was hungry for a steak or chicken I can buy it and cook it. But let's get serious turkey is a rather large bird. I know my son can eat but really we would never be able to knock a bird off, even just a boob would be too much. My Dad did his best we went out to dinner my son and I had turkey and it was nice. I don't want to sound ungrateful, believe me I'm not. The only way I can describe how it felt was like I was visiting him not really a part yet. My father and I are close,love him to death, but moving back home as an adult you need to figure how things work. Plus my Dad is laid back he does his own thing so it's really like buying a great pair of shoes and figuring out how they go with all your clothes.
Now Christmas is only 5 days away. Decorating sucked. We talked that we would all put the tree up, it ended up being just me. My Dad had gone out to do errands and my Step-Mom was out for a walk with her dog "don't wait for me". OK. I know so what about your son, well, a 4 year old is like a tiny bees. They buzz in hang around then buzz away again.
Now tonight's bombshell, Christmas eve dinner will be with our extended family, we'll take two cars. My Dad and step Mom would like to have the option to leave early. It's like a band aid constantly being ripped off. I want to feel that sense of family with my family. This is when you realize that family is different for everyone. In my eyes it's the people you love, I want to be surrounded by the ones I love. I don't want game plans for exits , or well this is what we usually do. How about things have changed; new traditions need to be born and made.
This year I don't know how it will be. It's like a pretty package under the tree. But I do know I will wake up Christmas morning , I'll get dressed. Which is usually the time that I think about my Mom and if I need a cry it's my half hour I give to myself to grieve. I was given that advice from a friend. She said " everyday I gave myself a half hour to cry when I was done, I moved on to what I needed to do". Great thing is it works. I will go downstairs surround myself with my family and celebrate that free spirited joy my son finds in Christmas.
Beetlejuice, that gives helpful pointers on how you deal with this. OK, as I typed that I realize that said book is out there. I'm currently in the middle of New Moon. I know, with the exception of my close friends reading this , everyone else is like "what's that". I'm a Twilight geek. I said it and I love it. Helpful hint if anyone wants to get me Robert Pattinson for Christmas that'd be great. I love him even more after seeing Water for Elephants, book was good movie was fantastic. OK anyway before my geek flag wipes out all powerlines in a 100 mile radius from flying too high I'll get back to holidays.
I guess the nitty gritty of it is enjoy the holidays the best you can, keep memories alive and hope and pray to God that family realizes that these are the "firsts" for you. Not the easiest to get through but having them around makes it hurt a little less and that much more bearable. And that's why I am grateful and looking forward to Christmas atleast Mom will be watching over.
Friday, December 16, 2011
The Aftermath
No one really is truly prepared for the passing of a loved one, no matter how much time you have to prepare or not.
After my Mom passed we gathered her belongings, kissed her goodbye and went back to the house we shared. As I walked out part of me wanted to stay. Truthfully I felt like I should help the nurses get my Mom's body ready to be sent to the morgue. I knew what was going to happen and there was a part of me that didn't want strangers discussing their latest complaint while preparing her.But I left which I know was what I needed to do. I got into my car and sat there, numb. I cried. After a few minutes I started my car and drove to the house; my sister and brother-in law had already arrived there.
We walked in, it already felt different, I decided to take my dogs for a walk. When I came back my brother-in law told me that he and my sister were going to get a hotel room for the night and would call the next day. That wasn't the plan, the plan was to walk the dogs , get some stuff for over night and spend the night at my best friend's house. My heart sank I said "Fine!".
I stomped off to my room to throw clothes into my bag. I think my brother-in law or maybe my sister came down to see if I was OK. I said sure. Inside I was again having my heart ripped out. I just lost my Mom and now the one piece of her I have left is going to a hotel for the night. They left the house, I left soon after. I didn't even look at my sister afraid I would scream at her. Honestly I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at everything. She had someone to hold her that night and I was alone; I just wanted my older sister to make it better.
I drove like a zombie to my friend's house, she greeted me at the door when I began to cry she hugged me. My son came down the stairs and told me "Grammy is an angel now" he hugged me and told me he loved me. Smart kid he seems to amaze me with his wisdom and the depth of his love. My best friend's husband came over to me. He had lost his sister to liver cancer; he hugged me and told me " I'm not gonna say anything but if you need to talk I'm here, I know it hurts and sucks". He then went and watched TV so I can have girl time with my best friend.
She had poured two drinks. I believe it was cherry vodka in coke, the greatest drink ever, and we went and sat in her backyard. Her backyard is a beautiful garden with a koi pond. There's a little bench that overlooks the pond and that's where we sat. We talked, cried and laughed at times. It was exactly what I needed and am so grateful for it. There's no way I can thank her enough for all she did during those 14 days.
The next day my sister and I decided to get control over somethings with the house. My Mom's file system was atrocious. Basically open it and put it on a pile, till it got paid then it relocated to an even bigger pile. The three of us dove into it as if we apart of Enron or Watergate. But there was tension in the room. Finally I spoke up; I started with apologising for how I was short and that my problem was I needed her also. She apologised and we went back to work. Three paper shredders later we were making progress. We decided to go out for dinner as a family. My best friends came with us and we went to Tim's Rivershore an excellent seafood dive that I love. It was great I sat there with my family celebrating life. It was perfect.
We managed to plan a viewing and the funeral . My Mom for some unknown reason had told us in the hospital that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes scattered in Colorado. I know WHY Colorado, it was somewhere she wanted to visit but was not given the chance. This year we will honor that wish.
So everything was starting to get back to normal. My work had hosted a small reception after the funeral. It was so generous and kind, my Dad was floored by the kindness of my co-workers. My Dad was ready to bring me home to PA but I wanted to stay in VA. I had voiced my concern when it came to moving I kept saying hopefully I'll be able to keep the house so I won't have all this change.
A phone call from my sister changed everything, I need to leave the house. You can hear in her voice that she felt bad and she tried her best to make it seem like it's for the best. My heart sank once again. I got off the phone with her and walked down to my Mom's room. I sat on the floor, at this point it was a few random boxes; we had donated her furniture to charity. Passing her door every morning was driving me to the brink of insanity, I would look in half expecting to see her only to realize she's not there.So cleaning it out made living there a little easier on me. I sat there on the floor and cried I was so angry. Why do I have to lose my Mom, have to resign from my job which I love, leave my friends and move. It wasn't fair but it was what I needed to do.
Saying goodbye to my best friends was more difficult. My nurses, well we went out to dinner a couple of times had drinks and my last day we stood in the parking lot outside work snuck a cigarette and said our goodbyes. The four of them each hold something special that they give me so it's never good bye more a see you later. Saying good bye to Janet ( my Mom's physician and my boss) was like saying good bye to my strength. So many times during my Mom's illness I went to her, even before all of this I would turn to her. When I was a new grad she took a chance on me and gave me a job challenged me when I needed it and made me into the nurse I am today.To this day I still go to her for advice she will always be a part of my life I found a good friend in her also.
Saying goodbye to Jenn, my best friend, was beyond hard. I don't think we spoke about it too much. I felt like I was abandoning her. To this day I still carry guilt about leaving. I knew I would see her and we would visit when we could but she's my heart and soul; my son's godmother and as my Mom would say my other sister. After I moved she had told me she didn't realize how much I was at her house or how much we saw each other.I knew what she meant, there's been times that I catch myself planning my day and thinking "oh I should call Jenn see if she wants to come along" but now there's a 4 hour trip between us. She is such a huge part of my life that saying goodbye was like another bandaid being ripped off. The day I moved was so stressed I got snippy, well bitchy and she ended up taking some of the heat. I know, I'm an asshole. It was like a swarm of bees descended on the house and were just swooping in taking my stuff and tossing it into a car or truck. I had no control over any of it. She had told me to label everything because it will be hectic which it was. What I should have done was stopped everyone and tell them that I was overwhelmed that every box that went through the door was one step closer to the reality that I was being ripped from the safety of my home. For 11 years it was my home, now my home is about 30 Tupperware containers above a garage. Plus we needed to leave my Mom's stuff behind for legal reasons which made it feel like I was leaving her behind.
I don't think my sister had a clue what was going on with me the day I moved, I was losing everything including my mind. She was the lucky one if you could call someone lucky in this situation. She lost my Mom, she could walk in her house and see her home, she would wake up and drive to her job and see her friends. That wasn't the same for me. I remember after all my things were out I walked back in for one final walk through. As I stood there in the kitchen looking at the kitchen table I couldn't help but think that it wasn't too long ago that My son, Mom and me sat there and ate breakfast like we did every Saturday. I got teary eyed and as I did I heard someone come in and ask if everything was good. I said yea, whispered I love you Mom and walked out.
But don't feel bad for me, I may have lost alot and yes I did walk and live through hell for a while but I grew alot from this...I found myself and a little more...
After my Mom passed we gathered her belongings, kissed her goodbye and went back to the house we shared. As I walked out part of me wanted to stay. Truthfully I felt like I should help the nurses get my Mom's body ready to be sent to the morgue. I knew what was going to happen and there was a part of me that didn't want strangers discussing their latest complaint while preparing her.But I left which I know was what I needed to do. I got into my car and sat there, numb. I cried. After a few minutes I started my car and drove to the house; my sister and brother-in law had already arrived there.
We walked in, it already felt different, I decided to take my dogs for a walk. When I came back my brother-in law told me that he and my sister were going to get a hotel room for the night and would call the next day. That wasn't the plan, the plan was to walk the dogs , get some stuff for over night and spend the night at my best friend's house. My heart sank I said "Fine!".
I stomped off to my room to throw clothes into my bag. I think my brother-in law or maybe my sister came down to see if I was OK. I said sure. Inside I was again having my heart ripped out. I just lost my Mom and now the one piece of her I have left is going to a hotel for the night. They left the house, I left soon after. I didn't even look at my sister afraid I would scream at her. Honestly I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at everything. She had someone to hold her that night and I was alone; I just wanted my older sister to make it better.
I drove like a zombie to my friend's house, she greeted me at the door when I began to cry she hugged me. My son came down the stairs and told me "Grammy is an angel now" he hugged me and told me he loved me. Smart kid he seems to amaze me with his wisdom and the depth of his love. My best friend's husband came over to me. He had lost his sister to liver cancer; he hugged me and told me " I'm not gonna say anything but if you need to talk I'm here, I know it hurts and sucks". He then went and watched TV so I can have girl time with my best friend.
She had poured two drinks. I believe it was cherry vodka in coke, the greatest drink ever, and we went and sat in her backyard. Her backyard is a beautiful garden with a koi pond. There's a little bench that overlooks the pond and that's where we sat. We talked, cried and laughed at times. It was exactly what I needed and am so grateful for it. There's no way I can thank her enough for all she did during those 14 days.
The next day my sister and I decided to get control over somethings with the house. My Mom's file system was atrocious. Basically open it and put it on a pile, till it got paid then it relocated to an even bigger pile. The three of us dove into it as if we apart of Enron or Watergate. But there was tension in the room. Finally I spoke up; I started with apologising for how I was short and that my problem was I needed her also. She apologised and we went back to work. Three paper shredders later we were making progress. We decided to go out for dinner as a family. My best friends came with us and we went to Tim's Rivershore an excellent seafood dive that I love. It was great I sat there with my family celebrating life. It was perfect.
We managed to plan a viewing and the funeral . My Mom for some unknown reason had told us in the hospital that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes scattered in Colorado. I know WHY Colorado, it was somewhere she wanted to visit but was not given the chance. This year we will honor that wish.
So everything was starting to get back to normal. My work had hosted a small reception after the funeral. It was so generous and kind, my Dad was floored by the kindness of my co-workers. My Dad was ready to bring me home to PA but I wanted to stay in VA. I had voiced my concern when it came to moving I kept saying hopefully I'll be able to keep the house so I won't have all this change.
A phone call from my sister changed everything, I need to leave the house. You can hear in her voice that she felt bad and she tried her best to make it seem like it's for the best. My heart sank once again. I got off the phone with her and walked down to my Mom's room. I sat on the floor, at this point it was a few random boxes; we had donated her furniture to charity. Passing her door every morning was driving me to the brink of insanity, I would look in half expecting to see her only to realize she's not there.So cleaning it out made living there a little easier on me. I sat there on the floor and cried I was so angry. Why do I have to lose my Mom, have to resign from my job which I love, leave my friends and move. It wasn't fair but it was what I needed to do.
Saying goodbye to my best friends was more difficult. My nurses, well we went out to dinner a couple of times had drinks and my last day we stood in the parking lot outside work snuck a cigarette and said our goodbyes. The four of them each hold something special that they give me so it's never good bye more a see you later. Saying good bye to Janet ( my Mom's physician and my boss) was like saying good bye to my strength. So many times during my Mom's illness I went to her, even before all of this I would turn to her. When I was a new grad she took a chance on me and gave me a job challenged me when I needed it and made me into the nurse I am today.To this day I still go to her for advice she will always be a part of my life I found a good friend in her also.
Saying goodbye to Jenn, my best friend, was beyond hard. I don't think we spoke about it too much. I felt like I was abandoning her. To this day I still carry guilt about leaving. I knew I would see her and we would visit when we could but she's my heart and soul; my son's godmother and as my Mom would say my other sister. After I moved she had told me she didn't realize how much I was at her house or how much we saw each other.I knew what she meant, there's been times that I catch myself planning my day and thinking "oh I should call Jenn see if she wants to come along" but now there's a 4 hour trip between us. She is such a huge part of my life that saying goodbye was like another bandaid being ripped off. The day I moved was so stressed I got snippy, well bitchy and she ended up taking some of the heat. I know, I'm an asshole. It was like a swarm of bees descended on the house and were just swooping in taking my stuff and tossing it into a car or truck. I had no control over any of it. She had told me to label everything because it will be hectic which it was. What I should have done was stopped everyone and tell them that I was overwhelmed that every box that went through the door was one step closer to the reality that I was being ripped from the safety of my home. For 11 years it was my home, now my home is about 30 Tupperware containers above a garage. Plus we needed to leave my Mom's stuff behind for legal reasons which made it feel like I was leaving her behind.
I don't think my sister had a clue what was going on with me the day I moved, I was losing everything including my mind. She was the lucky one if you could call someone lucky in this situation. She lost my Mom, she could walk in her house and see her home, she would wake up and drive to her job and see her friends. That wasn't the same for me. I remember after all my things were out I walked back in for one final walk through. As I stood there in the kitchen looking at the kitchen table I couldn't help but think that it wasn't too long ago that My son, Mom and me sat there and ate breakfast like we did every Saturday. I got teary eyed and as I did I heard someone come in and ask if everything was good. I said yea, whispered I love you Mom and walked out.
But don't feel bad for me, I may have lost alot and yes I did walk and live through hell for a while but I grew alot from this...I found myself and a little more...
Thursday, December 15, 2011
July....
July started normal, the only thing that was off was that I had noticed my Mom being short of breath more.
July 2nd- I had woken up, ate breakfast with my son and Mom and then went to the gym. I worked out for an hour getting lost in my Ipod's eclectic mix of music. When I got home my son greeted me and informed me "Grammy is laying down she can't breathe". I walked down the hall to find my Mom laying on her bed. She gave me a "hey how was the gym?" I answered with a "what's going on". My Mom explained that she got a little short of breath that it was nothing. I told her that I've noticed she can't do anything with out huffing and puffing. After giving the pros and cons of a trip to the ER; she decided that I should shower then she'll give me an answer. 10 minutes later we were off to the hospital.
At the hospital we were told that she had two blood clots. One in each lung and bacterial pneumonia. What happens is the clot or chunk of blood travels into the lung where it attaches to the lung tissue causing a bacterial infection hence pneumonia also the reason she couldn't breathe. The Doctor also confirmed a suspicious spot on her liver that was seen on previous films and said they would order a Biopsy of it after the holiday. They had moved her from the ER to the second floor a telemetry floor where they can keep a better eye on her breathing and heart. That night I went home with my son with a torn feeling part of me wanted to stay with her but there's only so much entertainment in a hospital for a 4 year old.
July 3rd and 4th- Were uneventful Mom was breathing with Oxygen, she was feeling bad for waiting too long to say something. I told her "things need to change when you come home". She had talked me into a quick visit on the 4th so I can enjoy the fireworks. My best friends ( husband and wife), my son and I went to Old town to watch the fireworks. I have to say the time I spent with them was a perfect distraction from my worries about my Mom. We got home late got jammies on and I called the hospital to check on her and say I love you and good night.
July 5th- Liver biopsy. Mom said it didn't hurt too bad. She also told me her roommate sings in her sleep which made her giggle. She asked about my son I told her he wants her home. She smiled said "I want to come home". The doctor said the results would be back in 3-4 days. I worked that day; so my visit was short.
July 6th-My day started with a phone call from the hospital. The doctor informed me that my Mom was struggling more to breathe and they had started a Bipap machine during the night but decided to move her to ICU. A bipap is a machine that forces oxygen in. I hung up the phone my heart sank, this is not good news. I called my sister and told her she said she was on her way. I dropped my son off at school and headed for the hospital. I made it there before they had moved her to ICU. She said "hi and I love you" I asked her if it was the singing that she wanted a new room she smiled and nodded. Somehow making a joke prevented me from crying. I didn't factor in that she would reach for my hand and squeeze it. I began to cry she said " I'm ok just can't breathe too good". It comforted me, we relocated to ICU, room 6.
My sister and brother-in law arrived, my Mom joked about being sick and how it got her a visit from them. Mom had difficulty speaking with the Bipap so it was conversations in spurts but they were light in nature. Mom had dozed off and we sat in the room quietly with her. Then a doctor walked in and asked if we were family; my sister answered 'yes. her daughters and my husband' he asked if we could have a family meeting; we agreed. As we walked the halls to a more private area my mind kept saying this isn't good. As we walked he asked who the nurse was; I spoke up. I was then asked what my background was "family practice but I worked 8 years as a tech on Med/Surg. He nodded.
We sat in a small waiting area between two of the halls for the floor. The doctor proceeded to tell us that they had results of the liver biopsy and it was positive for cancer with possible mets to the lungs. What that meant was when they looked at the slide of the liver they found cancer cells but also cells from the lung. Think of cancer as a traveler where ever it goes it leaves behind some stuff ( for lack of a better word) where it's been. My reaction was "fuck".
I think my sister began to ask questions. I was still stuck on liver cancer. I remember my sister looking at me and me saying to her "this is bad, you never want to hear cancer in the abdomen because it spreads . It's a death sentence". The doctor had asked if we preferred him to tell Mom or if we wanted to. My sister said "I can't" then I heard myself saying "i will, but not today she just got moved to ICU I don't want to give her more bad news". We were in agreement Thursday I would tell her. We went back to her room kissed her goodbye and we left for the night. I picked up my son and drove home. As I walked in the door I looked down the hall to her room and I cried I was in such disbelief. It was the beginning of a nightmare.
July 7th and 8th- The day I will tell my Mom that she has cancer. I got up and dressed in a daze then took my son to school. I stopped by work which I had done since this started. Somehow surrounding myself with my friends and doctors who I trusted seemed to give me the strength to deal. At this point I was beginning to feel like the nurse more then the daughter. A role that if I had the chance to change it I wouldn't. Everything that we went through I would explain to my sister as her sister then as a nurse. That day when I got to work my Mom's family physician and a Doctor whom I worked for went over the notes from the hospital doctors. There it was in black and white "patient is aware of cancer diagnosis". My heart sank....no one should be alone to hear those words . I went to her, I gave her a kiss told her I loved her and I as I looked at her I cried. I asked her if she was ok, she said yes "it is what it is". I asked if she was scared she said no. I apologised for all the stupid things I did when I was young for my mistakes I made for hurting her. She grabbed my hand and said " I love you very much you're my Annie". I laid my head on her shoulder and cried and she held me the best she could with all the tubes. I looked up at her and told her "we're gonna fight this I'll carry you as long as you want to fight but you need to tell me when you're done" she nodded and said "ok" and smiled. I spent some time with her watching TV and holding her hand. I worked on the 8th and went over at lunch to spend some time with her, I was also able to bring my son up to see her which was nice for all of us.
July 9th-My sister and brother-in law had traveled back down and were at the hospital when I arrived. I had dropped my son off at his godparents house. When I came in the room I went over to my Mom who was sleeping kissed her and said I love you she opened her eyes briefly. My sister had said that she felt my Mom didn't recognize her when she came in. I began to watch the monitor her breathing, how she was struggling to open her eyes. She was acting odd. I talked to the nurse and they called Respiratory in to do a blood gas level, the results were her CO2 level was too high. This is the same thing you hear about in houses people refer to it as the silent killer. So we were now being told that they needed to intubate my Mom; which we agreed to. At this point I can't even tell you how it feels to get 7 days of bad news and have to watch this all, it is beyond a bad dream.
July10th- brought a visit from her three sisters. Which was hard on them. Life is funny as a child if you lose a grandparent or Great Aunt or Uncle you can deal with it. You have your Mom or Dad. I imagine for them it was beyond comprehensible, it was their sister. It was my Mom and I don't think I had one day at this point where I didn't go home sit on her bed and cry, not even cry ,sob. I was alone at night. During the day I had the support of co-workers and family at night it was just me and my son. I would put him to bed and sit on the sofa and cry. I would beg God to just make her better. I would promise to go to church, be a better person just make her better. I didn't want to be alone.
July 11th and 12th- A gift from Mom. I have watched alot of people die. Working in the hospital I was told by an older wiser nurse that "no one should die alone" so often I would sit with the patients that didn't have family. A funny thing that people do is before the end there is always that day that people seem to "perk up".
That Monday and Tuesday were my Mom's gifts to me. In some way I guess she was able to see how everything was beating me down that my strength was weakening. I needed her. When I got to the hospital the nurse informed me that they were trying to wean her off the vent and let her breathe more then the machines. Monday she did it for 5 hours. For five hours she fought and did it. Tuesday was the best 8 hours of her breathing saying a "fuck you machines I can do this". It's what I needed and I didn't realize what she had done till recently. She gave me the hope ,courage, and strength I needed to carry her on. This was the same day that a co-worker who happens to be a minister gave me a coin with the saying " and then I carried you " on the back from the poem Footprints. I had my fight back.
July 14th-The hospital doctor had called in the morning they wanted to do a thoracentesis on my Mom. It's a procedure to remove fluid from the lungs. I gave permission. They had removed 950ml which if you are familiar with an IV bag it basically one of those from her right lung. Just one side, it's alot. The reason they did it was for comfort and to see if it made an improvement in her breathing.
Later that day when my sister and brother-in law where there a doctor had come in and wanted a family meeting. We were taken to a conference room where we were informed that " from an oncology and respiratory standpoint there is nothing we can do, we are suggesting hospice for end of life care". We sat there in disbelief, crying. I had called my mom's family physician to come over for support her name is Janet and she's more than my Mom's doctor she was my boss and my friend. It felt safe and comforting for me to have her there, for all of us. My sister was floored, I could see the disbelief and fear in her eyes. I remember her saying "how the hell does this happen". Then as if it can't get worse she looked at me and said "What are we suppose to do"and I remember looking at her and saying "we need to let her go and that's as a daughter and as a nurse". It's a decision that in a thousand years I would have never guessed we would have to make but we did. The 15th we would start hospice.
As we left that night my sister told everyone that they are to do nothing without talking to us first. That we weren't doing anything at that moment. I knew they wouldn't begin Hospice without us verbally stating it to the proper people but my sister needed to voice that for her own peace of mind.
JULY 15th- Began with another call from the hospital doctor a thoracentesis on the left lung for comfort. I agreed and when I arrived at the hospital I was informed they were able to pull 2200ml off the left lung (2 IV bags). I leaned over and Mom looked up at me I kissed her and told her I loved her. We sat there for a while and the thought of what we were going to do ate at me like some wild animal. I stood up and took her hand and looked down at her. She stared up at me and I told her that the doctors told us that there was nothing more they could do, that I had carried her to the end and we need to let her go. It's a moment that I have mixed feelings about. There's a part of me that feels guilty for telling her and a part that regrets telling her. I remember also calling the on call respiratory doctor to come up. I had to hear there was nothing else one more time. The doctor who came up I had known from my time I worked in the hospital. He asked if I was a nurse I said yes and he said " you know, you know it's not good". He was right when I was sitting in the room I could hear what nurses refer to as the death rattle. It's when the fluid builds around the lungs, it's like a purring gurgle. It was the right decision it was time.
We began Hospice at 530pm they would slowly wean Mom off the vent. My sister and I sat on either side of the bed holding my Mom's hands crying quietly in disbelief. We both took one last photo of Mom, it's a picture of our hand in hers. The hand that held ours as a child, that wiped tears away and made boo boos feel better. The hand that today I wish I could hold.
630pm the Hospice nurse advised us that in 15 minutes they would extubate (pull the tube out). I remember looking over my shoulder at the clock on the wall and hearing my Mom's voice inside my head say "at 7". There was no time to have my son come up to the hospital plus I didn't want him to remember her that way.
I had tried to prepare my sister for what it would be like. I told her that Mom will gasp for air at times and it will slowly get further apart as she passes. That she may twitch at times and that it's normal and that it's ok to talk to Mom that she can hear us and it's ok to tell her to go because she will hang on.
We left the room while the respiratory therapist and hospice nurse extubated Mom. We were quickly called back to the room. I don't remember walking back in my feet walked so fast. We got in and it had started the monitor was still on and I would occasionally glance at it trying to see how close we were , her respirations were down to single digits , her hands were cold, she was blue around her mouth and there was the occasional gasp. I prayed to God the night before to please if there is anything you grant me please don't let her jerk or moan. Please take her quickly from us. At one point Mom opened her eyes as she gasped my sister reacted saying "god why is she doing it". Before I knew it I was standing next to the bed one hand over my Mom's eyes the other holding her hand and now my sister's hand. The nurse in me took over. I began telling my Mom that "we love you and it's ok just go Mom, go home to be with Pop Pop ( her Dad who passed) just go we love you" I said it like a mantra between my tears. I moved my hand her eyes were closed her breaths were further apart. The hospice nurse had turned the monitor off I kept saying my mantra. I now was holding my sister's hand and the other one I had placed so I can feel my Mom's pulse. It was weak but I could feel it. I told her " we love you, Dakota (my son), Marci (my sister), Gary (brother in law) and me we're gonna be ok just go Mom we love you". I felt one strong pulse then nothing I looked over my shoulder and said she's gone. The hospice nurse checked the monitor in the nurses station then came in and nodded at me. I can say it was peaceful and fast. Mom had passed away at 7pm.
Today it's 5 months since my Mom passed away. I'm ending tonight here...I'm drained and have no tissues left. Plus whenever my heart hurts like now I go and hug and kiss my little boy. The 15th has been a day that I spend with him, today we made ornaments from cinnamon and applesauce, we baked a cake and played with Batman. It was a good day considering the date. I Love You Mom always & forever.
July 2nd- I had woken up, ate breakfast with my son and Mom and then went to the gym. I worked out for an hour getting lost in my Ipod's eclectic mix of music. When I got home my son greeted me and informed me "Grammy is laying down she can't breathe". I walked down the hall to find my Mom laying on her bed. She gave me a "hey how was the gym?" I answered with a "what's going on". My Mom explained that she got a little short of breath that it was nothing. I told her that I've noticed she can't do anything with out huffing and puffing. After giving the pros and cons of a trip to the ER; she decided that I should shower then she'll give me an answer. 10 minutes later we were off to the hospital.
At the hospital we were told that she had two blood clots. One in each lung and bacterial pneumonia. What happens is the clot or chunk of blood travels into the lung where it attaches to the lung tissue causing a bacterial infection hence pneumonia also the reason she couldn't breathe. The Doctor also confirmed a suspicious spot on her liver that was seen on previous films and said they would order a Biopsy of it after the holiday. They had moved her from the ER to the second floor a telemetry floor where they can keep a better eye on her breathing and heart. That night I went home with my son with a torn feeling part of me wanted to stay with her but there's only so much entertainment in a hospital for a 4 year old.
July 3rd and 4th- Were uneventful Mom was breathing with Oxygen, she was feeling bad for waiting too long to say something. I told her "things need to change when you come home". She had talked me into a quick visit on the 4th so I can enjoy the fireworks. My best friends ( husband and wife), my son and I went to Old town to watch the fireworks. I have to say the time I spent with them was a perfect distraction from my worries about my Mom. We got home late got jammies on and I called the hospital to check on her and say I love you and good night.
July 5th- Liver biopsy. Mom said it didn't hurt too bad. She also told me her roommate sings in her sleep which made her giggle. She asked about my son I told her he wants her home. She smiled said "I want to come home". The doctor said the results would be back in 3-4 days. I worked that day; so my visit was short.
July 6th-My day started with a phone call from the hospital. The doctor informed me that my Mom was struggling more to breathe and they had started a Bipap machine during the night but decided to move her to ICU. A bipap is a machine that forces oxygen in. I hung up the phone my heart sank, this is not good news. I called my sister and told her she said she was on her way. I dropped my son off at school and headed for the hospital. I made it there before they had moved her to ICU. She said "hi and I love you" I asked her if it was the singing that she wanted a new room she smiled and nodded. Somehow making a joke prevented me from crying. I didn't factor in that she would reach for my hand and squeeze it. I began to cry she said " I'm ok just can't breathe too good". It comforted me, we relocated to ICU, room 6.
My sister and brother-in law arrived, my Mom joked about being sick and how it got her a visit from them. Mom had difficulty speaking with the Bipap so it was conversations in spurts but they were light in nature. Mom had dozed off and we sat in the room quietly with her. Then a doctor walked in and asked if we were family; my sister answered 'yes. her daughters and my husband' he asked if we could have a family meeting; we agreed. As we walked the halls to a more private area my mind kept saying this isn't good. As we walked he asked who the nurse was; I spoke up. I was then asked what my background was "family practice but I worked 8 years as a tech on Med/Surg. He nodded.
We sat in a small waiting area between two of the halls for the floor. The doctor proceeded to tell us that they had results of the liver biopsy and it was positive for cancer with possible mets to the lungs. What that meant was when they looked at the slide of the liver they found cancer cells but also cells from the lung. Think of cancer as a traveler where ever it goes it leaves behind some stuff ( for lack of a better word) where it's been. My reaction was "fuck".
I think my sister began to ask questions. I was still stuck on liver cancer. I remember my sister looking at me and me saying to her "this is bad, you never want to hear cancer in the abdomen because it spreads . It's a death sentence". The doctor had asked if we preferred him to tell Mom or if we wanted to. My sister said "I can't" then I heard myself saying "i will, but not today she just got moved to ICU I don't want to give her more bad news". We were in agreement Thursday I would tell her. We went back to her room kissed her goodbye and we left for the night. I picked up my son and drove home. As I walked in the door I looked down the hall to her room and I cried I was in such disbelief. It was the beginning of a nightmare.
July 7th and 8th- The day I will tell my Mom that she has cancer. I got up and dressed in a daze then took my son to school. I stopped by work which I had done since this started. Somehow surrounding myself with my friends and doctors who I trusted seemed to give me the strength to deal. At this point I was beginning to feel like the nurse more then the daughter. A role that if I had the chance to change it I wouldn't. Everything that we went through I would explain to my sister as her sister then as a nurse. That day when I got to work my Mom's family physician and a Doctor whom I worked for went over the notes from the hospital doctors. There it was in black and white "patient is aware of cancer diagnosis". My heart sank....no one should be alone to hear those words . I went to her, I gave her a kiss told her I loved her and I as I looked at her I cried. I asked her if she was ok, she said yes "it is what it is". I asked if she was scared she said no. I apologised for all the stupid things I did when I was young for my mistakes I made for hurting her. She grabbed my hand and said " I love you very much you're my Annie". I laid my head on her shoulder and cried and she held me the best she could with all the tubes. I looked up at her and told her "we're gonna fight this I'll carry you as long as you want to fight but you need to tell me when you're done" she nodded and said "ok" and smiled. I spent some time with her watching TV and holding her hand. I worked on the 8th and went over at lunch to spend some time with her, I was also able to bring my son up to see her which was nice for all of us.
July 9th-My sister and brother-in law had traveled back down and were at the hospital when I arrived. I had dropped my son off at his godparents house. When I came in the room I went over to my Mom who was sleeping kissed her and said I love you she opened her eyes briefly. My sister had said that she felt my Mom didn't recognize her when she came in. I began to watch the monitor her breathing, how she was struggling to open her eyes. She was acting odd. I talked to the nurse and they called Respiratory in to do a blood gas level, the results were her CO2 level was too high. This is the same thing you hear about in houses people refer to it as the silent killer. So we were now being told that they needed to intubate my Mom; which we agreed to. At this point I can't even tell you how it feels to get 7 days of bad news and have to watch this all, it is beyond a bad dream.
July10th- brought a visit from her three sisters. Which was hard on them. Life is funny as a child if you lose a grandparent or Great Aunt or Uncle you can deal with it. You have your Mom or Dad. I imagine for them it was beyond comprehensible, it was their sister. It was my Mom and I don't think I had one day at this point where I didn't go home sit on her bed and cry, not even cry ,sob. I was alone at night. During the day I had the support of co-workers and family at night it was just me and my son. I would put him to bed and sit on the sofa and cry. I would beg God to just make her better. I would promise to go to church, be a better person just make her better. I didn't want to be alone.
July 11th and 12th- A gift from Mom. I have watched alot of people die. Working in the hospital I was told by an older wiser nurse that "no one should die alone" so often I would sit with the patients that didn't have family. A funny thing that people do is before the end there is always that day that people seem to "perk up".
That Monday and Tuesday were my Mom's gifts to me. In some way I guess she was able to see how everything was beating me down that my strength was weakening. I needed her. When I got to the hospital the nurse informed me that they were trying to wean her off the vent and let her breathe more then the machines. Monday she did it for 5 hours. For five hours she fought and did it. Tuesday was the best 8 hours of her breathing saying a "fuck you machines I can do this". It's what I needed and I didn't realize what she had done till recently. She gave me the hope ,courage, and strength I needed to carry her on. This was the same day that a co-worker who happens to be a minister gave me a coin with the saying " and then I carried you " on the back from the poem Footprints. I had my fight back.
July 14th-The hospital doctor had called in the morning they wanted to do a thoracentesis on my Mom. It's a procedure to remove fluid from the lungs. I gave permission. They had removed 950ml which if you are familiar with an IV bag it basically one of those from her right lung. Just one side, it's alot. The reason they did it was for comfort and to see if it made an improvement in her breathing.
Later that day when my sister and brother-in law where there a doctor had come in and wanted a family meeting. We were taken to a conference room where we were informed that " from an oncology and respiratory standpoint there is nothing we can do, we are suggesting hospice for end of life care". We sat there in disbelief, crying. I had called my mom's family physician to come over for support her name is Janet and she's more than my Mom's doctor she was my boss and my friend. It felt safe and comforting for me to have her there, for all of us. My sister was floored, I could see the disbelief and fear in her eyes. I remember her saying "how the hell does this happen". Then as if it can't get worse she looked at me and said "What are we suppose to do"and I remember looking at her and saying "we need to let her go and that's as a daughter and as a nurse". It's a decision that in a thousand years I would have never guessed we would have to make but we did. The 15th we would start hospice.
As we left that night my sister told everyone that they are to do nothing without talking to us first. That we weren't doing anything at that moment. I knew they wouldn't begin Hospice without us verbally stating it to the proper people but my sister needed to voice that for her own peace of mind.
JULY 15th- Began with another call from the hospital doctor a thoracentesis on the left lung for comfort. I agreed and when I arrived at the hospital I was informed they were able to pull 2200ml off the left lung (2 IV bags). I leaned over and Mom looked up at me I kissed her and told her I loved her. We sat there for a while and the thought of what we were going to do ate at me like some wild animal. I stood up and took her hand and looked down at her. She stared up at me and I told her that the doctors told us that there was nothing more they could do, that I had carried her to the end and we need to let her go. It's a moment that I have mixed feelings about. There's a part of me that feels guilty for telling her and a part that regrets telling her. I remember also calling the on call respiratory doctor to come up. I had to hear there was nothing else one more time. The doctor who came up I had known from my time I worked in the hospital. He asked if I was a nurse I said yes and he said " you know, you know it's not good". He was right when I was sitting in the room I could hear what nurses refer to as the death rattle. It's when the fluid builds around the lungs, it's like a purring gurgle. It was the right decision it was time.
We began Hospice at 530pm they would slowly wean Mom off the vent. My sister and I sat on either side of the bed holding my Mom's hands crying quietly in disbelief. We both took one last photo of Mom, it's a picture of our hand in hers. The hand that held ours as a child, that wiped tears away and made boo boos feel better. The hand that today I wish I could hold.
630pm the Hospice nurse advised us that in 15 minutes they would extubate (pull the tube out). I remember looking over my shoulder at the clock on the wall and hearing my Mom's voice inside my head say "at 7". There was no time to have my son come up to the hospital plus I didn't want him to remember her that way.
I had tried to prepare my sister for what it would be like. I told her that Mom will gasp for air at times and it will slowly get further apart as she passes. That she may twitch at times and that it's normal and that it's ok to talk to Mom that she can hear us and it's ok to tell her to go because she will hang on.
We left the room while the respiratory therapist and hospice nurse extubated Mom. We were quickly called back to the room. I don't remember walking back in my feet walked so fast. We got in and it had started the monitor was still on and I would occasionally glance at it trying to see how close we were , her respirations were down to single digits , her hands were cold, she was blue around her mouth and there was the occasional gasp. I prayed to God the night before to please if there is anything you grant me please don't let her jerk or moan. Please take her quickly from us. At one point Mom opened her eyes as she gasped my sister reacted saying "god why is she doing it". Before I knew it I was standing next to the bed one hand over my Mom's eyes the other holding her hand and now my sister's hand. The nurse in me took over. I began telling my Mom that "we love you and it's ok just go Mom, go home to be with Pop Pop ( her Dad who passed) just go we love you" I said it like a mantra between my tears. I moved my hand her eyes were closed her breaths were further apart. The hospice nurse had turned the monitor off I kept saying my mantra. I now was holding my sister's hand and the other one I had placed so I can feel my Mom's pulse. It was weak but I could feel it. I told her " we love you, Dakota (my son), Marci (my sister), Gary (brother in law) and me we're gonna be ok just go Mom we love you". I felt one strong pulse then nothing I looked over my shoulder and said she's gone. The hospice nurse checked the monitor in the nurses station then came in and nodded at me. I can say it was peaceful and fast. Mom had passed away at 7pm.
Today it's 5 months since my Mom passed away. I'm ending tonight here...I'm drained and have no tissues left. Plus whenever my heart hurts like now I go and hug and kiss my little boy. The 15th has been a day that I spend with him, today we made ornaments from cinnamon and applesauce, we baked a cake and played with Batman. It was a good day considering the date. I Love You Mom always & forever.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
A time line
So June was ending in Northern Virginia and as I remember it was one degree colder then Hell so seeing that there was July and August to get through my excitement level wasn't too high.
I have to give a little back story. My Mom was the type of person nurses dread. Don't get me wrong I love her tremendously but when it came to taking care of herself, well she found other things to do. In 2005 she was told that she had a large hernia in her abdomen involving the upper portion of her stomach. In 2011 after about 6 weeks of pain and small to non-existent meals she finally wanted to do something about it. So we began our journey of fixing a large hernia.
It was the beginning of March a blood test came back with questionable results. The answer was given to us at the end of March- Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia- CLL for the cool kids. I remember sitting in the car with her outside the Oncologists' office. She was quiet, stone faced. I broke the silence with "you ok" WHAT the hell was I thinking, really as I said it I thought dumbass.
I will NEVER forget her response " why cancer, I'm a Grandmother". I looked at her choking back tears so I can be strong ( I cried later) "you can be mad or sad or scream you got a shitty deal but we'll keep up on getting tests done and we'll do it together it's not a death sentence". As I spoke those words I can see her relax. Her physician always told me it wasn't until I said it was ok till she believed it.
Funny thing about CLL that I found in my research. It's like the Marijuana of cancers meaning that it leads to other cancers just like weed leads to other drugs. So Mom and me had a plan we would take it a day at a time together.
Now she asked me to do something which I did but it's on my top three hardest things I have ever done. Call my sister and tell her Mom has cancer. Now I've said before I adore my sister and making this call was not the conversations we have. Infact we don't talk much on the phone, the occasional text message but never the call of "hey what's up". I chalk it up to she has a demanding job and personally I feel I'm a little boring at times. I'm a nurse and a Mom things that make me laugh are not so much for her . Anyway, I called explained it to her like a babbling idiot and hung up. I remember thinking what a terrible call. I felt it was cold of me. I also prayed to God please don't make me have to give any bad news. I hate to hurt people, especially the ones I love.
April was Surgery month and it left her with pain and still trouble eating. Mom was looking for the result- surgery is done and poof I feel great. Having never had a surgery she didn't realize that abdominal surgery is tough. I've gone through it three times, each time I cursed like a sailor over the pain. Not even pain it's like you did 100 sit-ups and it's the next day and you need to climb stairs all day. Those abdominal muscles are pretty important.
May- was my sister's 10 year wedding anniversary party. My brother-in-law is the perfect vision you can have for a husband. He's an asset to our family. There was a party planned in Philadelphia for the big event and I was going. My Mom being beautifully stubborn insisted on going with me. The drive was stressful for everyone involved, every bump caused pain, which in turn caused bickering between us. If you are familiar with PA you know we're not known for our roads by no means. We had a good time, Mom later told me she was in alot of pain. She didn't take her pain meds because they made her tired so she toughed it out. Hindsight is an odd thing; I'll get into that here shortly.
June - I touched on it a little one degree cooler then Hell. For Mom it was random tests to figure out why still the pain in her abdomen. There was also alot of time off because of pain. One small trip for me home to see my Dad , a vacation away from it all, but not completely away I called home to check on her until she told me she was fine and to knock it off.
July-July-July a month that held a holiday that I loved (the 4th), picnics, long car rides listening to good music- that's what was suppose to be my July.....it sure as hell wasn't even close
I have to give a little back story. My Mom was the type of person nurses dread. Don't get me wrong I love her tremendously but when it came to taking care of herself, well she found other things to do. In 2005 she was told that she had a large hernia in her abdomen involving the upper portion of her stomach. In 2011 after about 6 weeks of pain and small to non-existent meals she finally wanted to do something about it. So we began our journey of fixing a large hernia.
It was the beginning of March a blood test came back with questionable results. The answer was given to us at the end of March- Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia- CLL for the cool kids. I remember sitting in the car with her outside the Oncologists' office. She was quiet, stone faced. I broke the silence with "you ok" WHAT the hell was I thinking, really as I said it I thought dumbass.
I will NEVER forget her response " why cancer, I'm a Grandmother". I looked at her choking back tears so I can be strong ( I cried later) "you can be mad or sad or scream you got a shitty deal but we'll keep up on getting tests done and we'll do it together it's not a death sentence". As I spoke those words I can see her relax. Her physician always told me it wasn't until I said it was ok till she believed it.
Funny thing about CLL that I found in my research. It's like the Marijuana of cancers meaning that it leads to other cancers just like weed leads to other drugs. So Mom and me had a plan we would take it a day at a time together.
Now she asked me to do something which I did but it's on my top three hardest things I have ever done. Call my sister and tell her Mom has cancer. Now I've said before I adore my sister and making this call was not the conversations we have. Infact we don't talk much on the phone, the occasional text message but never the call of "hey what's up". I chalk it up to she has a demanding job and personally I feel I'm a little boring at times. I'm a nurse and a Mom things that make me laugh are not so much for her . Anyway, I called explained it to her like a babbling idiot and hung up. I remember thinking what a terrible call. I felt it was cold of me. I also prayed to God please don't make me have to give any bad news. I hate to hurt people, especially the ones I love.
April was Surgery month and it left her with pain and still trouble eating. Mom was looking for the result- surgery is done and poof I feel great. Having never had a surgery she didn't realize that abdominal surgery is tough. I've gone through it three times, each time I cursed like a sailor over the pain. Not even pain it's like you did 100 sit-ups and it's the next day and you need to climb stairs all day. Those abdominal muscles are pretty important.
May- was my sister's 10 year wedding anniversary party. My brother-in-law is the perfect vision you can have for a husband. He's an asset to our family. There was a party planned in Philadelphia for the big event and I was going. My Mom being beautifully stubborn insisted on going with me. The drive was stressful for everyone involved, every bump caused pain, which in turn caused bickering between us. If you are familiar with PA you know we're not known for our roads by no means. We had a good time, Mom later told me she was in alot of pain. She didn't take her pain meds because they made her tired so she toughed it out. Hindsight is an odd thing; I'll get into that here shortly.
June - I touched on it a little one degree cooler then Hell. For Mom it was random tests to figure out why still the pain in her abdomen. There was also alot of time off because of pain. One small trip for me home to see my Dad , a vacation away from it all, but not completely away I called home to check on her until she told me she was fine and to knock it off.
July-July-July a month that held a holiday that I loved (the 4th), picnics, long car rides listening to good music- that's what was suppose to be my July.....it sure as hell wasn't even close
The beginning of letting go
Wednesday, December 14, 2011 at 11:29AM
I have always found writing to be therapeutic, even though as a kid I never kept a journal for more than a few months. Just long enough for the shiny newness to wear off then I was over it. So let's hope this blog has a better success rate.
I decided to start this because I have been through alot in the last few months and almost want to just put it out there so that my thoughts won't keep me up at night and bore holes into my world like termites with a piece of wood.
So back story....
I grew up in Pennsylvania with a great family. The normal Mom and Dad who both worked to provide a home and good life. An older sister who I adore, and still do to this day. She's perfect, beautiful, smart and amazing.
Things changed when I was 17, parents divorced. My family changed, my Mom lost alot of her happiness. It was soon after my high school graduation that I moved out on my own. Well almost on my own there was a deadbeat boyfriend but what else is new. After some semi-wild years of trying to find myself, a few tattoos and some tears I took up my Mom on an offer to move to Virginia to "start over".
Virginia is where I made something out of myself. I found a better relationship with my Mom and I also had my son. The love of my life, I'll talk about my son in another post, but for now I'll say he's amazing.
So in VA I worked in healthcare as a technical assistant. Glorified nurses assistant. It wasn't until I was wheeling a critical patient to ICU with an Orthopedist where I found my calling. This patient was on my floor because he was post-op for an Incision and drainage of the ankle. We started the night off with him calling me "honey, sweetheart, and his wife". It didn't bother me, I just chalked it up to the Morphine drip. Hell I think I would be all lovey dovey too if I was on the stuff. Except I have zero tolerance for most meds soI never get to experience the heavy duty stuff out of fear of coma.
Any way, I was in his room around midnight for vitals. I popped in expecting to hear his pet names and there he was with no smart ass pet name. I walked over and said "hey, you forget about me". He responded with a "sweetstuff" and I finished my task and moved on. I did notice a little more blood on his dressing and his blood pressure was lower then earlier, so I told the nurse. Three hours later I had this nag like a kernel of popcorn in your tooth, to go check him. I walked in, no greeting this time and when I walked over and began talking he was all over the place "where am I, who are you, do I know you".
SHIT! I quickly took vitals and found exactly what I didn't want to see. His blood pressure was low and pulse was high. This is your body going to hell in a hand basket.This is the moment when you run for the nurse and pray he doesn't code. I ran to the nurse told her and she responded with "ok". She eventually came in reinforced his dressing and chalked up everything to the morphine. My response in my head " are you fucking kidding me?".
Here's the thing, there are really good nurses out there and then there are nurses that you just wonder how the hell they tie their shoes.
So I went back to his room, maybe I was tired and crazy. Nope he was disoriented that was for damn sure, oh and the dressing more blood. Again I went to his nurse told her again and still nothing.
I did something that I don't suggest I called the on call ortho and when he called back I gave it to the nurse.Yes, I put her on the spot and yes I went out of my "job description'". The ortho came to the floor not one of those " I 'll be there soon" no he seemed to drop out of the ceiling. I met him in the room, because obviously someone should stay with this man.
The ortho removed the dressing and was able to see a bleed in an artery and next we were loading him onto the elevator to go to ICU. I stayed with him for the ride down the elevator. The ortho asked me when his last meds were. " I don't know, I'm just the tech, I called because he wasn't responding and there was blood and he was acting different then earlier" I felt the need to confess everything.
He stared at me( and on a side note he was goodlooking so I wasn't sure what to do). He then smiled (ok he's not gonna scream) "you should be a nurse you just saved this patient".
Wow!
A few days later my patient came back up to the floor and as I walked in I heard "well there's my honey". I hugged him, I think I was more excited to see him.
So I applied and graduated from nursing school. This was also the year that I was pregnant with my son, yea I like complicated being pregnant and school it was fine, it made me determined to finish. But I don't suggest it. Second year with a newborn was rough but we got through.
So that brings us to now. How did I land back here....well that's for another time.
I hope whoever reads my blog finds something they can relate to or maybe it makes you smile. If you care to comment or ask a question feel free to I will answer questions. I'm "letting go" I'm not fearful anymore I'm living!
I decided to start this because I have been through alot in the last few months and almost want to just put it out there so that my thoughts won't keep me up at night and bore holes into my world like termites with a piece of wood.
So back story....
I grew up in Pennsylvania with a great family. The normal Mom and Dad who both worked to provide a home and good life. An older sister who I adore, and still do to this day. She's perfect, beautiful, smart and amazing.
Things changed when I was 17, parents divorced. My family changed, my Mom lost alot of her happiness. It was soon after my high school graduation that I moved out on my own. Well almost on my own there was a deadbeat boyfriend but what else is new. After some semi-wild years of trying to find myself, a few tattoos and some tears I took up my Mom on an offer to move to Virginia to "start over".
Virginia is where I made something out of myself. I found a better relationship with my Mom and I also had my son. The love of my life, I'll talk about my son in another post, but for now I'll say he's amazing.
So in VA I worked in healthcare as a technical assistant. Glorified nurses assistant. It wasn't until I was wheeling a critical patient to ICU with an Orthopedist where I found my calling. This patient was on my floor because he was post-op for an Incision and drainage of the ankle. We started the night off with him calling me "honey, sweetheart, and his wife". It didn't bother me, I just chalked it up to the Morphine drip. Hell I think I would be all lovey dovey too if I was on the stuff. Except I have zero tolerance for most meds soI never get to experience the heavy duty stuff out of fear of coma.
Any way, I was in his room around midnight for vitals. I popped in expecting to hear his pet names and there he was with no smart ass pet name. I walked over and said "hey, you forget about me". He responded with a "sweetstuff" and I finished my task and moved on. I did notice a little more blood on his dressing and his blood pressure was lower then earlier, so I told the nurse. Three hours later I had this nag like a kernel of popcorn in your tooth, to go check him. I walked in, no greeting this time and when I walked over and began talking he was all over the place "where am I, who are you, do I know you".
SHIT! I quickly took vitals and found exactly what I didn't want to see. His blood pressure was low and pulse was high. This is your body going to hell in a hand basket.This is the moment when you run for the nurse and pray he doesn't code. I ran to the nurse told her and she responded with "ok". She eventually came in reinforced his dressing and chalked up everything to the morphine. My response in my head " are you fucking kidding me?".
Here's the thing, there are really good nurses out there and then there are nurses that you just wonder how the hell they tie their shoes.
So I went back to his room, maybe I was tired and crazy. Nope he was disoriented that was for damn sure, oh and the dressing more blood. Again I went to his nurse told her again and still nothing.
I did something that I don't suggest I called the on call ortho and when he called back I gave it to the nurse.Yes, I put her on the spot and yes I went out of my "job description'". The ortho came to the floor not one of those " I 'll be there soon" no he seemed to drop out of the ceiling. I met him in the room, because obviously someone should stay with this man.
The ortho removed the dressing and was able to see a bleed in an artery and next we were loading him onto the elevator to go to ICU. I stayed with him for the ride down the elevator. The ortho asked me when his last meds were. " I don't know, I'm just the tech, I called because he wasn't responding and there was blood and he was acting different then earlier" I felt the need to confess everything.
He stared at me( and on a side note he was goodlooking so I wasn't sure what to do). He then smiled (ok he's not gonna scream) "you should be a nurse you just saved this patient".
Wow!
A few days later my patient came back up to the floor and as I walked in I heard "well there's my honey". I hugged him, I think I was more excited to see him.
So I applied and graduated from nursing school. This was also the year that I was pregnant with my son, yea I like complicated being pregnant and school it was fine, it made me determined to finish. But I don't suggest it. Second year with a newborn was rough but we got through.
So that brings us to now. How did I land back here....well that's for another time.
I hope whoever reads my blog finds something they can relate to or maybe it makes you smile. If you care to comment or ask a question feel free to I will answer questions. I'm "letting go" I'm not fearful anymore I'm living!
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