No one really is truly prepared for the passing of a loved one, no matter how much time you have to prepare or not.
After my Mom passed we gathered her belongings, kissed her goodbye and went back to the house we shared. As I walked out part of me wanted to stay. Truthfully I felt like I should help the nurses get my Mom's body ready to be sent to the morgue. I knew what was going to happen and there was a part of me that didn't want strangers discussing their latest complaint while preparing her.But I left which I know was what I needed to do. I got into my car and sat there, numb. I cried. After a few minutes I started my car and drove to the house; my sister and brother-in law had already arrived there.
We walked in, it already felt different, I decided to take my dogs for a walk. When I came back my brother-in law told me that he and my sister were going to get a hotel room for the night and would call the next day. That wasn't the plan, the plan was to walk the dogs , get some stuff for over night and spend the night at my best friend's house. My heart sank I said "Fine!".
I stomped off to my room to throw clothes into my bag. I think my brother-in law or maybe my sister came down to see if I was OK. I said sure. Inside I was again having my heart ripped out. I just lost my Mom and now the one piece of her I have left is going to a hotel for the night. They left the house, I left soon after. I didn't even look at my sister afraid I would scream at her. Honestly I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at everything. She had someone to hold her that night and I was alone; I just wanted my older sister to make it better.
I drove like a zombie to my friend's house, she greeted me at the door when I began to cry she hugged me. My son came down the stairs and told me "Grammy is an angel now" he hugged me and told me he loved me. Smart kid he seems to amaze me with his wisdom and the depth of his love. My best friend's husband came over to me. He had lost his sister to liver cancer; he hugged me and told me " I'm not gonna say anything but if you need to talk I'm here, I know it hurts and sucks". He then went and watched TV so I can have girl time with my best friend.
She had poured two drinks. I believe it was cherry vodka in coke, the greatest drink ever, and we went and sat in her backyard. Her backyard is a beautiful garden with a koi pond. There's a little bench that overlooks the pond and that's where we sat. We talked, cried and laughed at times. It was exactly what I needed and am so grateful for it. There's no way I can thank her enough for all she did during those 14 days.
The next day my sister and I decided to get control over somethings with the house. My Mom's file system was atrocious. Basically open it and put it on a pile, till it got paid then it relocated to an even bigger pile. The three of us dove into it as if we apart of Enron or Watergate. But there was tension in the room. Finally I spoke up; I started with apologising for how I was short and that my problem was I needed her also. She apologised and we went back to work. Three paper shredders later we were making progress. We decided to go out for dinner as a family. My best friends came with us and we went to Tim's Rivershore an excellent seafood dive that I love. It was great I sat there with my family celebrating life. It was perfect.
We managed to plan a viewing and the funeral . My Mom for some unknown reason had told us in the hospital that she wanted to be cremated and her ashes scattered in Colorado. I know WHY Colorado, it was somewhere she wanted to visit but was not given the chance. This year we will honor that wish.
So everything was starting to get back to normal. My work had hosted a small reception after the funeral. It was so generous and kind, my Dad was floored by the kindness of my co-workers. My Dad was ready to bring me home to PA but I wanted to stay in VA. I had voiced my concern when it came to moving I kept saying hopefully I'll be able to keep the house so I won't have all this change.
A phone call from my sister changed everything, I need to leave the house. You can hear in her voice that she felt bad and she tried her best to make it seem like it's for the best. My heart sank once again. I got off the phone with her and walked down to my Mom's room. I sat on the floor, at this point it was a few random boxes; we had donated her furniture to charity. Passing her door every morning was driving me to the brink of insanity, I would look in half expecting to see her only to realize she's not there.So cleaning it out made living there a little easier on me. I sat there on the floor and cried I was so angry. Why do I have to lose my Mom, have to resign from my job which I love, leave my friends and move. It wasn't fair but it was what I needed to do.
Saying goodbye to my best friends was more difficult. My nurses, well we went out to dinner a couple of times had drinks and my last day we stood in the parking lot outside work snuck a cigarette and said our goodbyes. The four of them each hold something special that they give me so it's never good bye more a see you later. Saying good bye to Janet ( my Mom's physician and my boss) was like saying good bye to my strength. So many times during my Mom's illness I went to her, even before all of this I would turn to her. When I was a new grad she took a chance on me and gave me a job challenged me when I needed it and made me into the nurse I am today.To this day I still go to her for advice she will always be a part of my life I found a good friend in her also.
Saying goodbye to Jenn, my best friend, was beyond hard. I don't think we spoke about it too much. I felt like I was abandoning her. To this day I still carry guilt about leaving. I knew I would see her and we would visit when we could but she's my heart and soul; my son's godmother and as my Mom would say my other sister. After I moved she had told me she didn't realize how much I was at her house or how much we saw each other.I knew what she meant, there's been times that I catch myself planning my day and thinking "oh I should call Jenn see if she wants to come along" but now there's a 4 hour trip between us. She is such a huge part of my life that saying goodbye was like another bandaid being ripped off. The day I moved was so stressed I got snippy, well bitchy and she ended up taking some of the heat. I know, I'm an asshole. It was like a swarm of bees descended on the house and were just swooping in taking my stuff and tossing it into a car or truck. I had no control over any of it. She had told me to label everything because it will be hectic which it was. What I should have done was stopped everyone and tell them that I was overwhelmed that every box that went through the door was one step closer to the reality that I was being ripped from the safety of my home. For 11 years it was my home, now my home is about 30 Tupperware containers above a garage. Plus we needed to leave my Mom's stuff behind for legal reasons which made it feel like I was leaving her behind.
I don't think my sister had a clue what was going on with me the day I moved, I was losing everything including my mind. She was the lucky one if you could call someone lucky in this situation. She lost my Mom, she could walk in her house and see her home, she would wake up and drive to her job and see her friends. That wasn't the same for me. I remember after all my things were out I walked back in for one final walk through. As I stood there in the kitchen looking at the kitchen table I couldn't help but think that it wasn't too long ago that My son, Mom and me sat there and ate breakfast like we did every Saturday. I got teary eyed and as I did I heard someone come in and ask if everything was good. I said yea, whispered I love you Mom and walked out.
But don't feel bad for me, I may have lost alot and yes I did walk and live through hell for a while but I grew alot from this...I found myself and a little more...
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