Holidays

I apologise for the two day hiatus, maybe you thought the shiny newness of this blog had worn off. No it hasn't. Saturday I  went out to see  The Ryan Montbleau Band. I suggest if you are unfamiliar with them you google or YouTube it and give a listen. My two friends did that with me and I'm hooked.  It was a great show, interesting atmosphere and just a yummy night. Sunday was my laid back, movie watching kinda day. The weekend was good and it ended with me laughing at about 1am. Sleep-walking 4 year old is always  good stuff. I need to share this and I'm sure in 12 years my son will be all "mom why'd you say that" joys of motherhood. So my little guy is known to sleep walk. Problem is he's asleep but his eyes are open which is a little freaky. Well he stumbles in my room and stands next to my bed a la Blairwitch project. I jump and say "what's the matter". He just groans, trust me first few times this happened I was 99% freaked out, I tell him "go potty buddy". He stumbles out of my room and as I'm debating if I want to follow behind him, which usually ticks him off because he's a big boy, I hear it. Water trickling! So I jump out of bed walk in his room and yep he peed in his crayon bucket. (Good aim) I of course say "what are you doing" which he replies with "going potty" the proceeds to pull his pants up and get back into bed. Still makes me laugh at how matter of fact he was. So if Santa is reading this we can use some crayons.

Anyway onto Holidays...

I was told after my Mom passed away that the first year is the hardest. What people should say is "you'll realize how significant said person was; and it will be a hell that  you will need to walk through until said holiday passes". A little over the top maybe; but it's how it feels.

The first event we were faced with was my Mom's birthday, there's irony in that somewhere. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would have been. I spent the day with my son celebrating life and also the innocence he holds for life. In his world everything is great, you die you become an angel, he tells me when he sleeps his Grammy visits him so she just isn't here; a wise soul in a little body.

Next would be Thanksgiving. Which starts the holidays in my eyes. I can remember past Thanksgivings Mom and I would cook together, laughing and preparing all the normal dishes. Then the three of us would sit, eat and enjoy. It was always alot of work and it wasn't until this year that I realized all the little things that went into it. This year was the first time in my 33 years that I went to a restaurant for Thanksgiving. The reason- my Step-Mom and Father are vegetarian; if it's furry it doesn't get eaten here. Now don't get all nervous if I was hungry for a steak or chicken I can buy it and cook it. But let's get serious turkey is a rather large bird. I know my son can eat but really we would never be able to knock a bird off, even just a boob would be too much. My Dad did his best we went out to dinner my son and I had turkey and it was nice. I don't want to sound ungrateful, believe me I'm not. The only way I can describe how it felt was like I was visiting him not really a part yet.  My father and I are close,love him to death, but moving back home as an adult you need to figure how things work. Plus my Dad is laid back he does his own thing so it's really like buying a great pair of shoes and figuring out how they go with all your clothes.

Now Christmas is only 5 days away. Decorating sucked. We talked that we would all put the tree up, it ended up being just me. My Dad had gone out to do errands and my Step-Mom was out for a walk with her dog "don't wait for me". OK. I know so what about your son, well, a 4 year old is like a tiny bees. They buzz in hang around then buzz away again.

Now tonight's bombshell, Christmas eve dinner will be with our extended family, we'll take two cars. My Dad and step Mom would like to have the option to leave early. It's  like a band aid constantly being ripped off. I want to feel that sense of family with my family. This is when you realize that family is different for everyone. In my eyes it's the people you love, I want to be surrounded by the ones I love. I don't want game plans for exits , or well this is what we usually do. How about things have changed; new traditions need to be born and made. 

 This year I don't know how it will be.  It's like a pretty package under the tree. But I do know I will wake up Christmas morning , I'll get dressed. Which is usually the time that I think about my Mom and if I need a cry it's my half hour I give to myself to grieve. I was given that advice from a friend. She said " everyday I gave myself a half hour to cry when I was done, I moved on to what I needed to do". Great thing is it works. I will go downstairs surround myself with my family and celebrate that free spirited joy my son finds in Christmas.

Beetlejuice, that gives  helpful pointers on how you deal with this. OK, as I typed that I realize that said book is out there. I'm currently in the middle of New Moon. I know, with the exception of my close friends reading this , everyone else is like "what's that". I'm a Twilight geek. I said it and I love it. Helpful hint if anyone wants to get me Robert Pattinson for Christmas that'd be great. I love him even more after seeing Water for Elephants, book was good movie was fantastic. OK anyway before my geek flag wipes out all powerlines in a 100 mile radius from flying too high I'll get back to holidays.

I guess the nitty gritty of it is enjoy the holidays the best you can, keep memories alive and hope and pray to God that family realizes that these are the "firsts" for you. Not the easiest to get through but having them around makes it hurt a little less and that much more bearable. And that's why I am grateful and looking forward to Christmas atleast Mom will be watching over.