July....

July started normal, the only thing that was off was that I had noticed my Mom being short of breath more.

July 2nd- I had woken up, ate breakfast with my son and Mom and then went to the gym. I worked out for an hour getting  lost in my Ipod's eclectic mix of music. When I got home my son greeted me and informed me "Grammy is laying down she can't breathe". I walked down the hall to find my Mom laying on her bed. She gave me a "hey how was the gym?" I answered with a "what's going on". My Mom explained that she got a little short of breath that it was nothing. I told her that I've noticed she can't do anything with out huffing and puffing. After giving the pros and cons of a trip to the ER; she decided that I should shower then she'll give me an answer. 10 minutes later we were off to the hospital.
              At the hospital we were told that she had two blood clots. One in each lung and bacterial pneumonia. What happens is the clot or chunk of blood travels into the lung where it attaches to the lung tissue causing a bacterial infection hence pneumonia also the reason she couldn't breathe. The Doctor also confirmed a suspicious spot on her liver that was seen on previous films and said they would order a Biopsy of it after the holiday. They had moved her from the ER to the second floor a telemetry floor where they can keep a better eye on her breathing and heart. That night I went home with my son with a torn feeling part of me wanted to stay with her but there's only so much entertainment in a hospital for a 4 year old. 

July 3rd and 4th- Were uneventful Mom was breathing with Oxygen, she was feeling bad for waiting too long to say something. I told her "things need to change when you come home". She had talked me into a quick visit on the 4th so I can enjoy the fireworks. My best friends ( husband and wife), my son and I went to Old town to watch the fireworks. I have to say the time I spent with them was a perfect distraction from my worries about my Mom. We got home late got jammies on and I called the hospital to check on her and say I love you and good night.

July 5th- Liver biopsy. Mom said it didn't hurt too bad. She also told me her roommate sings in her sleep which made her giggle. She asked about my son I told her he wants her home. She smiled said "I want to come home". The doctor said the results would be back in 3-4 days. I worked that day; so my visit was short.

July 6th-My day started with a phone call from the hospital. The doctor informed me that my Mom was struggling more to breathe and they  had started a Bipap machine during the night but decided to move her to ICU. A bipap is a machine that forces oxygen in. I hung up the phone my heart sank, this is not good news. I called my sister and told her she said she was on her way. I dropped my son off at school and headed for the hospital. I made it there before they had moved her to ICU. She said "hi and I love you" I asked her if it was the singing that she wanted a new room she smiled and nodded. Somehow making a joke prevented me from crying. I didn't factor in that she would reach for my hand and squeeze it. I began to cry she said " I'm ok just can't breathe too good". It comforted me, we relocated to ICU, room 6.
              My sister and brother-in law arrived, my Mom joked about being sick and how it got her a visit from them. Mom had difficulty speaking with the Bipap so it was conversations in spurts but they were light in nature.  Mom had dozed off and we sat in the room quietly with her. Then a doctor walked in and asked if we were family; my sister answered 'yes. her daughters and my husband' he asked if we could have a family meeting; we agreed. As we walked the halls to a more private area my mind kept saying this isn't good. As we walked he asked who the nurse was; I spoke up. I was then asked what my background was "family practice but I worked 8 years as a tech on Med/Surg. He nodded.
              We sat in a small waiting area between two of the halls for the floor. The doctor proceeded to tell us that they had results of the liver biopsy and it was positive for  cancer with possible mets to the lungs.  What that meant was when they looked at the slide of the liver they found cancer cells but also cells from the lung. Think of cancer as a traveler where  ever it goes it leaves behind some stuff ( for lack of a better word) where it's been. My reaction was "fuck".
              I think my sister began to ask questions. I was still stuck on liver cancer. I remember my sister looking at me and me saying to her  "this is bad, you never want to hear cancer in the abdomen because it spreads . It's a death sentence". The doctor had asked if we preferred him to tell Mom or if we wanted to. My sister said "I can't" then I heard myself saying "i will, but not today she just got moved to ICU I don't want to give her more bad news". We were in agreement Thursday I would tell her. We went back to her room kissed her goodbye and we left for the night. I picked up my son and drove home. As I walked in the door I looked down the hall to her room and I cried I was in such disbelief. It was the beginning of a nightmare.

July 7th and 8th- The day I will tell my Mom that she has cancer. I got up and dressed  in a daze then  took my son to school. I stopped by work which I had done since this started. Somehow surrounding myself with my friends and doctors who I trusted  seemed to give me the strength to deal. At this point I was beginning to feel like the nurse more then the daughter. A role that if I had the chance to change it I wouldn't. Everything that we went through I would explain to my sister as her sister then as a nurse. That day when I got to work my Mom's family physician and a Doctor whom I worked for went over the notes from the hospital doctors. There it was in black and white "patient is aware of cancer diagnosis". My heart sank....no one should be alone to hear those words . I went to her, I gave her a kiss told her I loved her and I as I looked at her I cried. I asked her if she was ok, she said yes "it is what it is". I asked if she was scared she said no. I apologised for all the stupid things I did when I was young for my mistakes I made for hurting her. She grabbed my hand and said " I love you very much you're my Annie". I laid my head on her shoulder and cried and she held me the best she could with all the tubes. I looked up at her and told her "we're gonna fight this I'll carry you as long as you want to fight but you need to tell me when you're done" she nodded and said "ok" and smiled. I spent some time with her watching TV and holding her hand. I worked on the 8th and went over at lunch to spend some time with her, I was also able to bring my son up to see her which was nice for all of us.

July 9th-My sister and brother-in law had traveled back down and were at the hospital when I arrived. I had dropped my son off at his godparents house. When I came in the room I went over to my Mom who was sleeping kissed her and said I love you she opened her eyes briefly. My sister had said that she felt my Mom didn't recognize her when she came in. I began to watch the monitor her breathing, how she was struggling to open her eyes. She was acting odd. I talked to the nurse and they called Respiratory in to do a blood gas level, the results were her CO2 level was too high. This is the same thing you hear about in houses people refer to it as the silent killer. So we were now being told that they needed to intubate my Mom; which we agreed to. At this point I can't even tell you how it feels to get 7 days of bad news and have to watch this all,  it is beyond a bad dream.

July10th- brought a visit from her three sisters. Which was hard on them. Life is funny as a child if you lose a grandparent or Great Aunt or Uncle you can deal with it. You have your Mom or Dad. I imagine for them it was beyond comprehensible, it was their sister. It was my Mom and I don't think I had one day at this point where I didn't go home sit on her bed and cry, not even cry ,sob. I was alone at night. During the day I had the support of co-workers and family at night  it was just me and my son. I would put him to bed and sit on the sofa and cry. I would beg God to just make her better. I would promise to go to church, be a better person just make her better. I didn't want to be alone.

July 11th and 12th- A gift from Mom. I have watched alot of people die. Working in the hospital I was told by an older wiser nurse that "no one should die alone" so often I would sit with the patients that didn't have family. A funny thing that people do is before the end there is always that day that people seem to "perk up".
                   That Monday and Tuesday were my Mom's gifts to me. In some way I guess she was able to see how everything was beating me down that my strength was weakening. I needed her. When I got to the hospital the nurse informed me that they were trying to wean her off the vent and let her breathe more then the machines. Monday she did it for 5 hours. For five hours she fought and did it. Tuesday was the best 8 hours of her breathing saying a "fuck you machines I can do this". It's what I needed and I didn't realize what she had done till recently. She gave me the hope ,courage, and strength I needed to carry her on. This was the same day that a co-worker who happens to be a minister gave me a coin with the saying " and then I carried you " on the back from the poem Footprints. I had my fight back.

July 14th-The hospital doctor had called in the morning they wanted to do a thoracentesis on my Mom. It's a procedure to remove fluid from the lungs. I gave permission. They had removed 950ml which if you are familiar with an IV bag it basically one of those from her right lung. Just one side, it's alot. The reason they did it was for comfort and to see if it made an improvement in her breathing.
                   Later that day when my sister and brother-in law where there a doctor had come in and wanted a family meeting. We were taken to a conference room where we were informed that " from an oncology and respiratory standpoint there is nothing we can do, we are suggesting hospice for end of life care". We sat there in disbelief, crying. I had called my mom's family physician to come over for support her name is Janet and she's  more than my Mom's doctor she was my boss and my friend. It felt safe and comforting for me to have her there, for all of us.  My sister was floored, I could see the disbelief and fear in her eyes.  I remember her saying "how the hell does this happen". Then as if it can't get worse she looked at me and said "What are we suppose to do"and I remember looking at her and saying "we need to let her go and that's as a daughter and as a nurse". It's a decision that in a thousand years I would have never guessed we would have to make but we did. The 15th we would start hospice.
                  As we left that night my sister told everyone that they are to do nothing without talking to us first. That we weren't doing anything at that moment. I knew they wouldn't begin Hospice without us verbally stating it to the proper people but my sister needed to voice that for her own peace of mind.

JULY 15th- Began with another call from the hospital doctor a thoracentesis on the left lung for comfort. I agreed and when I arrived at the hospital I was informed they were able to pull 2200ml off the left lung (2 IV bags). I leaned over and Mom looked up at me I kissed her and told her I loved her. We sat there for a while and the thought of what we were going to do ate at me like some wild animal. I stood up and took her hand and looked down at her. She stared up at me and I told her that the doctors told us that there was nothing more they could do, that I had carried her to the end and we need to let her go. It's a moment that I have mixed feelings about. There's a part of me that feels guilty for telling her and a part that regrets telling her. I remember also calling the on call respiratory doctor to come up.  I had to hear there was nothing else one more time. The doctor who came up I had known from my time I worked in the hospital. He asked if I was a nurse I said yes and he said " you know, you know it's not good". He was right when I was sitting in the room I could hear what nurses refer to as the death rattle. It's when the fluid builds around the lungs, it's like a purring gurgle. It was the right decision it was time.
                    We began Hospice at 530pm they would slowly wean Mom off the vent. My sister and I sat on either side of the bed holding my Mom's hands crying quietly in disbelief. We both took one last photo of Mom, it's a picture of our hand in hers. The hand that held ours as a child, that wiped tears away and made boo boos feel better. The hand that today I wish I could hold.
                    630pm the Hospice nurse advised us that in 15 minutes they would extubate (pull the tube out). I remember looking over my shoulder at the clock on the wall and hearing my Mom's voice inside my head say "at 7". There was no time to have my son come up to the hospital plus I didn't want him to remember her that way.
            I had tried to prepare my sister for what it would be like. I told her that Mom will gasp for air at times and it will slowly get further apart as she passes. That she may twitch at times and that it's normal and that it's ok to talk to Mom that she can hear us and it's ok to tell her to go because she will hang on.
                   We left the room while the respiratory therapist and hospice nurse extubated Mom. We were quickly called back to the room. I don't remember walking back in my feet walked so fast. We got in and it had started the monitor was still on and I would occasionally glance at it trying to see how close we were , her respirations were down to single digits , her hands were cold, she was blue around her mouth and there was the occasional gasp. I prayed to God the night before to please if there is anything you grant me please don't let her jerk or moan. Please take her quickly from us. At one point Mom opened her eyes as she gasped my sister reacted saying "god why is she doing it". Before I knew it I was standing next to the bed one hand over my Mom's eyes the other holding her hand and now my sister's hand. The nurse in me took over. I began telling my Mom that "we love you and it's ok just go Mom, go home to be with Pop Pop ( her Dad who passed) just go we love you" I said it like a mantra between my tears. I moved my hand her eyes were closed her breaths were further apart. The hospice nurse had turned the monitor off I kept saying my mantra. I now was holding my sister's  hand and the other one I had placed so I can feel my Mom's pulse. It was weak but I could feel it. I told her " we love you, Dakota (my son), Marci (my sister), Gary (brother in law) and me we're gonna be ok just go Mom we love you". I felt one strong pulse then nothing I looked over my shoulder and said she's gone. The hospice nurse checked the monitor in the nurses station then came in and nodded at me.  I can say it was peaceful and fast. Mom had passed away at 7pm.

Today it's 5 months since my Mom passed away. I'm ending  tonight here...I'm drained and have no tissues left. Plus whenever my heart hurts like now I go and hug and kiss my little boy. The 15th has been a day that I spend with him, today we made ornaments from cinnamon and applesauce, we baked a  cake and played with Batman. It was a good day considering the date.  I Love You Mom always & forever.