A letter to my Mom

First my apologies for the long dramatic pause between posts; but you should realize that when I am happy I become preoccupied with life that things fall to the waste side. Plus I do remember comparing my blog to a dairy and that eventually the shiny newness will wear off, so there it is. Also I started this blog as a way to deal with my Mom's death . Ok onto tonight

           It's 12:54am and it is officially Mother's day. I love nothing more than being a Mom. Yes I'm crazy  and believe that I have the coolest kid, and yes I do. Dakota is just a chill little kid, smart, full of love and hysterical. Nothing is better then hearing "I love you Mom" or "you look beautiful Mom". So being his  Mom is the best and I  would never trade a moment of it, yes it is trying and doing it myself has been a challenge at times but it's rewarding in the same. I love that little man.

             Now really onto tonight. This is my first mother's day without my Mom. Welcome to the holiday that has already proved to be hard and we're only in it one hour.

           So.... Dear Mom,

My last memory of you is holding your hand while we said our good-byes and how it felt in mine. So much that I took a picture of it; I have to say it's one of my favorite pictures.

As a little girl I held your hand so many times but the last time I did will forever be with me, I really had no idea how much I would miss you. I miss your laugh, how I would have to bend down to hug you, I miss laying in your bed and telling you what's going on in my life  and I just miss you.I've come to realize that although at times we had a rough relationship we also had a good one at the same time. I look at Marci and there's so much strength. You were right that I am a heart with feet I still tear up when I think  of you and there's been too many to count moments that I wanted to talk to you and realize that I can't hear your voice anymore. There's alot that I miss no one answers the phone when they see my number and says 'poodles and pussies " while giggling the whole time.  This Mother's day isn't the same without you, no one can replace you. There has been so much I want to tell you. I've had my ups and downs and there has been positives that I know you would love. I know in a way you're still holding my hand and watching over me and it comforts me.

 So Happy Mother's day Mom. Thank you for making me  who I am. Thank you for the times I had to struggle, for your advice even if I didn't want it, for being proud of me even though it embarrassed me when you would brag about me and thank you for always being a great Mom and for still holding my hand when I need you to.
                                                       I love you always and forever.

It's been a while

So it's been awhile since I wrote a post, you ask what gives? Life a mix of wonderful beginnings and new possibilities. Foreshadowing? Perhaps but that's for me

Where to begin tonight well I finally got a job at a nursing home. I also made my first drug error. Insert the dum dum dummmm here. In 12 years of being in the medical field and not letting a situation get to me or take control of me it happened. Now of course because of HIPPA, what protects your info from others, I can't go into it. But I will say that what I did learn was that some people are plain old assholes and yes I did know this before but I still get shocked when life seems to point it out to me. I also learned that there are nurses who have been nurses for too long, when you get a sick enjoyment in seeing if you can rattle another nurse then you need to retire. Snide comments made stating "oh look you have the new nurse maybe we can make her quit" make me curse like a sailor in my head while I gaze lovingly at you and your demented mother and say "I have your meds". You think you can get me, oh no I'll go toe to toe with you and now after this I will make it my mission in my work life to never let this person get to me again.
     Still fired up so I ended up giving a double dose of an anxiety med which didn't harm this person but resulted in  me  having to go to the ER to do a drug screen and then a meeting the next day. Was I shitting my pants of course because I let myself down. I let a stupid bitch get in my head and distract me. Long story short I passed the drug screen, still have my job and learned alot from it.

Enough about work.

 I also have been planning D's fifth yes 5th birthday. I am so proud of the little man he is becoming. I really couldn't be more proud of him. I am so apprehensive about his birthday also, because it's a day filled with such fond memories of my Mom. The sad thing is his last birthday we had just found out that she had Chronic Lymphocyctic Leukemia and she had asked me not to say anything to my sister until after D's birthday. She also made the comment after all was done that she hopes she gets to see his next birthday, we know how that worked out. I miss her, I miss her hugs and there's been so many times I wanted to crawl into the big bed and tell her what's been going on. Tell her what's been making me happy lately and funny things D has done. I notice that I block it out alot it's easier sometimes to ignore that part of my life and enjoy the present and to live. I've dealt with the fact she's gone and I accept that it's all the things that remind you that get to me.

So D is having a Monster jam truck themed birthday. Which I thought would be easy to throw together as far as decorations, not so much apparently it's not that popular I guess. So it was probably the most online shopping I have ever done in all 34 years of my life. But I was successful in my shopping even managed to get a pair of great heels for me of course and a dress. So I bought D a guitar. It's his big gift this year. The boy loves music and to dance too. He has dreams to be a rockstar his exact words were "I'm gonna play my geetar and people are gonna scream and I'll call you". Nice I get to stay home. Well I am sleepy, my eyes are red and I'm trying to do way too much at once so texting is winning over the blog tonight people sorry to say but that makes me smile.

As always love forever and always.

So long Joe Pa

I wrote this post yesterday after hearing the news that Joe Paterno had passed away.....

      As a little girl there was one thing I knew and it was Penn State football was a big part of being from PA. Growing up in North East Pennsylvania with a father who coaches from the living room couch I had no choice but to know Penn State. I can remember going to football games with my Mom, Dad and sister wearing our blue and white and cheering on the Nittany Lions. I remember the overwhelming feeling of excitement that ran through your body as Joe Pa and the Nittany Lions would run out of the tunnel onto the field. Now as an adult I still enjoy watching the games on TV. They still have the same effect as they did when I was little. Yes my Dad still yells at the TV and he has gotten more colorful with the strings of curses that fly out of his mouth after a bad play. But this to me is Penn State. It's a place where your life changes, if you meet anyone who has gone to Penn State there is this underlying sense of pride, it's more than a University.
      It was the only college I applied to and the thankfully they sent me a letter of acceptance. Now of course I can look back and say my decision to drop out two semesters in was bad, but I won't because I wouldn't be the person I am today without the path I choose. There was a running joke after Dakota's birth that he would play football for Joe Pa, so Joe would be 99, a little unrealistic but it was a nice thought that he could have a little impact on my son's life.
     There is something about Joe Pa that draws you in to him, maybe it's the coke bottle glasses, the raspy voice or  the fact that he is just a simple man, not flashy just plain ol Joe Pa. It could be that he pushes his players to do good both on the field and off. But the thing that impressed me the most is a story I read that talked about a player in 2000 who was injured during a game.  Penn State freshman defensive back Adam Taliaferro had his spine crushed when tackling an Ohio State player. He laid on the field paralyzed. He was taken to a hospital in Philadelphia where on weekends Joe Pa would visit him and give him encouragement along with stories from the game. This story touches me because as a nurse  I understand the power that words from loved ones have on patients. The story went on to say that each time Joe Pa would visit this kid he would give him a goal like "next time I come I want to see you move another body part". Adam did just that he kept improving. Joe Pa continued to motivate Adam after his recovery and he ended up becoming a lawyer .
         Joe Pa has done some great things for Penn State. He has donated money to add on to the Campus Library. He donated $1 million to the Mount Nittany Medical Center which was used to build a wing to the hospital.  Joe Pa has made men out of boys who came to play football by not letting them be lazy in their life and holding them accountable for their actions. His wife ,Sue, would tutor players whose studies were starting to drop and he made countless donations to a University he believed in.
        Yes, Joe Pa made a mistake at the end of his career. But who are we to judge his actions. I can say I know what I would have done if in that situation. If I was McQueary, Sandusky would have not walked out of that locker room alive. I can only hope and pray that Sandusky is found guilty and sent to prison where he can be raped anally every waking moment of what is left of his pitiful life. Drastic, yes the man is a bastard. He deserves nothing. As adults we need to protect children and for McQueary to see something and not act right then and there, is just sad. Yes Joe Pa should have done more, he should have screamed about it till he was heard, but that's not for me to judge, and who knows maybe in that situation he felt he did what he was suppose to.
        I will forever remember Joe Pa as the coach who ran onto the field in his windbreaker, khakis and black sneakers leading his guys to another win or sometimes just a  learning experience due to a loss. I also pray that  Happy Valley can find it's happiness again, Joe Pa would want that.
        Rest in peace Joe Pa.

Flew by with no warning

 Four days ago marked six months since my Mom's passing and I might still have been coming off the high (not drug induced) of a great Saturday night out with my best friends that it snuck by me. Which is just a little odd.

So I know what did you do Saturday well my best friend was in from VA so we went to my other best  friends house and we all had a sit down dinner. We ate city chicken which I know as a child my mom had to basically force down my throat. Now as an adult love the shit so go figure Mom was right. Anyway during dinner my friend does  high low. Each of her children will say one thing that was their high for the day and then their low. The adults went around the table and I can say each one of us said that that moment of all of us  being together having dinner was our high for the day which was perfect. I suggest high low to anyone it's great.  Honest to God those seven people at that table keep me grounded, keep me laughing and make me realize each day why I love them. From dinner we went to a local bar for Karaoke my girls sang their hearts out . Rio by Duran Duran and then the Humpty Dance and yes I was in a trance. Now I don't kiss and tell but I will say this, it was a good night that sparked curiosity which only time will tell. Enough said!

Sunday morning the kiddo and me came home laid around and had a lazy day. Yes it wasn't until Monday that I realized the 15th had come and gone. It caught me by surprise that the thing I felt most was guilt that I didn't pay attention to the date. But it was a blessing also that it snuck by it doesn't make me miss her less just that life goes on and I need to live.

So other happenings in my little life I finally got a job, part time but that works for now with school. I know some will read this and say what about the agency let's face it I have a better chance of seeing Christ then for them to call with a paying shift. Plus any time you are working and you feel like you can lose your license at any moment is probably not the place you would want to work. That's how it felt at the agency.This place is in Berwick at a Retirement home which is OK with me. This week has been crazy with getting my shit together to start this new endeavor. I had to do a work physical, drug screen, fingerprints and sign my soul over to the devil.

Let's talk about the physical part;  not bad.
     Doctor- Touch your toes and you think you're gonna be able to pick up some of these people
     Me- yep
    Doctor- OK you'll do
I imagine this is how it goes for race horses or any other animal that is given the once over. i should have asked for a drink and a smoke.

Fingerprints- not too bad on the cop who did them good smile, bald but he was my height and I like them tall so that a was bummer but he was nice to talk to as he rolled my fingers. Plus he comes with toys just kidding, not really, but I'm all set for this job February 6th is when I start.

So , apparently I like saying this must drive you as the reader nuts, although the 15th came and went it doesn't mean my Mom wasn't watching over, doesn't change the fact that I miss her every day it just shows that it's a livable situation.

I love you Mom always and forever. Thank you for all you have taught me especially all that I have learned since you left.

Love Always and Forever

If you know me you know that I love tattoos. I love how they look and the meaning behind them. I currently have five. My first one was a small flower with a vine of leaves on my foot. I was surprised that it didn't hurt, it could have been the fact that my tattoo artist was gorgeous and had my foot practically in his lap. He's talented, tattooed, has a good heart  and just a  peaceful soul that draws you to him.If anyone reads this and wants to meet said person or get some amazing work done I suggest going to Triple 6 Tattoo in Wilkes Barre ask for Bruce. He's the best and you'll see I was right.

 My second tattoo would be four daises ( my favorite flower) and two side lying S's their meaning is it represents  my family. A daisy for each of us and I'm original last name starts with S. My third was a flame placed in the  center of my chest. This one has had a love hate relationship with me. I hate where it is sometimes and I consider from time to time having it removed. But then I love it because when I straightened my life out I got it as a constant reminder of where I came from. If you would ask my Mom to describe me she would call me "her wild child" and yes I was. I saw it all first hand the  bad relationship, too much partying and for a while I just  forgot who I was. So I can't part with it because I would miss it. It's me.

Number four came via a tattoo shop in Virginia. I once had an old biker friend tell me "don't cheat on your man or your tattoo artist". So yes I cheated. I was in Virginia and felt like I was finally, as my Dad would say "getting my shit together" so I got a butterfly. What better way to express the change I was going through. Just think of a butterfly starts off pretty ugly and turns out beautiful.

Number five and my most favorite one, also the one I caught the most shit for is a very beautiful  sugar skull on my leg. Now hold onto your socks kids I'm gonna drop some knowledge on you...

           Sugar skulls can be traced  back to twelfth century Europe and with immigration and all that good stuff landed in Mexico with the Spanish settlers.  El día de los muertos ( which is fun to say) and All Saint's Day are the days when there is a focus on gatherings of family and friends to pray for and remember friends and family members who have died. It's mostly celebrated in Mexico because god knows our society looks at a skull as taboo or a sign of death. So anyway they celebrate on November 1st and 2nd, in connection with the Catholic holidays of All Saints Day (November 1) and All Souls' Day  (November 2).  People will build  altars honoring their  deceased loved ones and decorate them with sugar skulls, marigolds and  favorite food and drinks of the deceased. The intent is that on all souls day when the deceased loved one comes back they would see the alter and offerings and know that their loved ones were waiting for them. Basically to have one more day with them. And that was a knowledge drop.

So I got my sugar skull after the death of my Nana. My Nana and Pappy (my father's parents) both have passed away. They also were a big part of my life. My Pappy would yell "where's my Annie" as
I would walk into their house every Saturday growing up and to this day I can still hear how he sounded. My Nana after she lost my Pappy was ready to go too, but she would live another decade or so without him. They were the picture of love in my eyes. The day he died a piece of her died. She once said to me " I'm just waiting for Larry (my pappy) to be ready for me". I hope one day I have someone that will feel this way about me. My sugar skull is in honor of them. I would love one more day with them both.

That brings me to future number six which has yet to be inked upon me. I need time to go between school, a 4 year old and life it has yet to happen but soon. I have the itch and if you have a tattoo you know what I mean.  My idea, which I will humbly give free reign with design to Bruce is a vine of Dogwood and Cherry blossoms to represent PA and VA, something that is undecided in honor of my Mom. I'm thinking a Sparrow.  Back in the day Sailors would get  a sparrow tattoo before leaving, hoping it would  help bring them safely home again very symbolic of my realtionship with my Mom. I also would like a  banner with "Love always & forever" . Which is how my Granny ( Mom's Mom) signs all her letters and cards to me. Also one of the simplest phrases that has a ton of meaning in it.

What if we all just loved always and forever, no matter what. I can say that if you know me and I care about you it will be just that. Always and Forever. Recently Bruce posted on his facebook a quote from Johnny Depp ( which who doesn't like Johnny he can  park his boots next to my bed anytime) ok onto the quote.
                               
                         “My body is my journal,and my tattoos are my story” -Johnny Depp. Well said Mr. Depp. I also have to say a special thank you to Bruce, thanks for helping me tell my story and continue to help me tell it.

Something that makes me growl

Ok so if you know me you know I have a short fuse a temper some may say. You would also know that stupidity is usually the trigger or the need to repeat myself several times. Which I have realized over the last 5 months that this is an inherited trait. My Dad not a fan of repeating, I've witnessed him asking if they need to get a piece of paper to write things down. Which oddly made me shrink back into my surroundings as though maybe they didn't see we were together.

So why this rant tonight, OK backstory since being in PA and the cost of cards, stamps and I'm lazy I send group text messages to people I am friends with in VA. With that being said Christmas I send a text out to four co-workers of mine saying "Merry Christmas, miss you tons hope Santa was good to you". I know completely harmless.

Well hold on to your socks kids. One recipient sends back "really not appropriate to say miss you tons". I read it, several times, in disbelief. This is someone that I  worked with; I saw you and spent more time with you then my own family.I came to work when my Mom was in the hospital so I can escape and be there for you. So I responded with "really OK".

Enter the text from your wife telling me that it is inappropriate for me to send this to someone with a family. Now I don't know what twisted fantasy her brain took her on when she read it but the taste you left in my mouth is sour. So I being the adult replied with a simple" Sorry you took offense and misunderstood the intent" and then proceed to advise this person that her husband not the only one to receive said message. Didn't hear anything back. Then it happened I got pissed took all of two seconds.

So here is my thing that makes me growl one the person that I sent the message to never responded. Why is it that people are so quick to judge a situation. Why do people find the need when someone is talking to let other things distract them. Part of my laundry list of resolutions or improvements as I will call them is to be more tolerant of these people. Counting to ten has helped, being the adult has helped to, quickly calling a friend and telling them of the stupidity has also helped.

My parents raised me  to be able to stand on my feet and be strong and love. 2012 you will teach me to love everyone. God bless you 2012. Maybe I won't growl so much... now that is funny

End of 2011 Hello 2012

Wow so sorry for the dramatic pause from Christmas Eve to today January 2nd of 2012. I know ! What the hell happened. Alot!... OK not really but it felt like alot!

Ok so I will play catchup. Christmas was good it was spent with my son, father and step mom. I did good with not dwelling on the large elephant in the room that my Mom was missing from it all. My son however would be the one to put things right out there for me. He gives me this little box and  inside it was  a gold heart with an angel inside it. Now he's four and says to me "see Mom it's Grammy and she's in your heart". Wow insert tears, he amazes me with his grasp of understanding and he just kicks ass! I am so proud to be his Mom. So my Christmas was great it was filled with love. There was a little drama but I'm saving that for another post about misunderstandings and things that make me growl.

So then the 30th of December came sneaking in like a ninja, if you don't understand the sour tone then I will state that this is my birthday. There's milestone birthdays that you look forward to 16, 18, 21,25 and 30. These have been the ones I have met so far. This one was my 34th birthday, an even one as my best friend would say, she prefers to be even numbers. 34 isn't bad I still kick ass, have some wisdom under my belt and can still hang with the big dogs. My three best girl friends  and my best guy friend took me out to one of the local bars. It was perfect got to hang out with great people that I love, drank a few beers did some shots, cabbed it both ways (Cabs are here! for the Jersey fans) and ended the evening wanting more. The only thing that I missed was I woke up the morning of my birthday to silence. For the last 33 years my Mom would wake me up either by coming in my room or a phone call to sing Today is your Birthday, which I think the Beatles may have sang, not sure. This year I didn't hear it and I missed it, she was definitely not a singer and as she sung you would be tickled or poked so at the time it was about 5 minutes of hell but now I'd give anything to have those 5 minutes. I did get a facebook post from my sister that made me tear up like I was in a room of sliced onions . It read "Happy Birthday, Kiddo! You continue to inspire me with your strength and spirit. Love you".  I inspire her, if she only knew how much she inspires me.
         Side note she and her husband blog about beer, I would suggest it as good informative reading, I'm not a beer drinker but I do follow their blogs, the name is Me and you and a blog named Brew. Clever name and a great blog! seriously go read it....Now!

So that brings us to New Years Eve or as I like to call it My Best Friend's Birthday ( I know how lucky is she). So the four of us rang in the New Year together with family and friends. It was great. throughout the night we were thinking of our best memory from 2011. My best would be a collection of all the times I realized that I have some of the greatest friends in the world  and that my 3 best friends are like sisters to me I love them to death and being friends with them is easy as it should be. As I sat there talking and laughing I couldn't think of anywhere else I would have wanted to be, well maybe one but I don't think he was available.

What will 2012 hold, I don't know. I do pray that I can continue to keep the memory of my Mom alive for my son. One of my greatest fears is that he will forget how she was. I've developed a mantra that I say to him at night "your Grammy loves you, she watches over you and she gives you kisses in your dreams". Fears for myself, I can say I honestly don't have any I'm hopeful for what 2012 will bring me. Maybe a handsome Italian that's over 6 foot, that would be nice, but we shall see.I can wait....some.  I know I can do a  year of no loss, as my one friend said the holidays get a tit hair more bearable every year after a loss. So true!

So welcome 2012, be good to my loved ones, my friends here and in Virginia and to me and we will do our parts to make 2012 great!